IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Many people argue that
data
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 from mobile phones should be monitored by
governments
Use synonyms
 because of safety concerns, others oppose
this
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 view and believe that
information
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 stored in mobile devices
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 confidential, and should not be accessed without consent. I strongly believe that cell
phone
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records
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 might prevent serious crimes, but authorities should only
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access
Verb problem
have access
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 to public
phone
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records
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 with
permission
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.
To begin
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 with, the primary reason why
governments
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 should
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access
Verb problem
have access
show examples
 to mobile
data
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 is that it
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
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 criminal activities.
Smart phones
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Smartphones
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 store
information
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 of call logs, text
massages
Use the right word
messages
show examples
 and search history, are highly valued by investigators.
These
Fix the agreement mistake
This
show examples
information
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 often
connect
Correct subject-verb agreement
connects
show examples
 to serious crimes
,
Punctuation problem
;
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hence
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, accessing these
records
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 may solve serious cases with quick
succession
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success
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. In the UK,
for example
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, 60% criminal offences were solved through appropriate
access
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 to mobile
data
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 in
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last
Correct article usage
the last
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 five years.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, accessing mobile
phone
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records
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 without consent breaches the privacy of consumers. Individual uses mobile
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 to connect with families, to pay bills through online banking, and store private and confidential media
information
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. If the authorities
access
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 them without seeking
permission
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, it violates
policy
Correct article usage
the policy
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 of
The
Fix capitalization
the
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 Human Rights
Acts
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Act
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,
such
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 as freedom of speech and negligence
to
Change preposition
for
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 dignity.
Therefore
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, to respect people's privacy,
governments
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 should only
access
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to
Change preposition
apply
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individuals
Check wording
individuals'
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 cell
information
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 when it is absolutely essential. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 the
information
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 stored in
smart phones
Use the right word
smartphones
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 valuable to investigate serious criminal offences, these
data
Use synonyms
 should only be available
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
access
Use synonyms
 with
permission
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. So, I strongly believe,
governments
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 should
respect
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
respect people's privacy and dignity, and seek
permission
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 before accessing their
phone
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records
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.

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task response
Your plan is not very clear. You give both sides but your own view is weak. State your true view clearly and add one easy example to back it up.
coherence cohesion
Make each part have one main idea. Use a small topic sentence at the start of each paragraph and link words to join ideas.
strength
You do show a clear stance and you pause to look at both sides.
strength
You try to give an example, which helps idea.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
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