IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

In
this
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 modern world, it is believed that both
parents
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 and
schools
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 are equally responsible for
children
Use synonyms
’s unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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.
Use synonyms
Children
Check wording
Children's
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behaviors
Replace the word
behaviour
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develop
Correct subject-verb agreement
develops
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 at
such
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 early age
according to
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its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 environment.
This
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 essay will elucidate why I strongly agree with that statement.
To begin
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 with, it is common knowledge that toddlers are the most sophisticated copy machines. They will absorb any information and implement it shortly in their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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.
For instance
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,
parents
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 who easily give them digital devices to accompany their childhood
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 will get the same result.
Moreover
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,
children
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 who are exposed to short videos from social media,
such
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 as
tiktok
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TikTok
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 or
youtube shorts
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YouTube Shorts
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, their brain will not be trained to develop emotional intelligence, causing them to have short-tempered
emotion
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emotions
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.
Finally
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,
parents
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 should control the
screen-time
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screen time
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 for their
children
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 and balance it with
intrapersonal
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interpersonal
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 communication between
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parents-
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parents and children
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children
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.
Further
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, the proper rules and right curriculum at school will help to maintain the student’s healthy lifestyle. Here, the
education
Replace the word
educational
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 institution has
Correct article usage
a roles
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roles
Fix the agreement mistake
role
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to influence
Change preposition
in influencing
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 healthy
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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to
Change preposition
in
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 students.
For example
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, most
schools
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 in Indonesia
are
Verb problem
apply
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start at 7 in the morning,
one hour
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have a one-hour
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 break at noon, have several
set
Fix the agreement mistake
sets
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 of uniforms, and even type of shoes is a must, all to create self-discipline and
diminished
Wrong verb form
diminish
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 the inequality among the students.
Furthermore
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, some
schools
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also
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 provide homework to make sure that students understand the subject. In conclusion, I strongly agree that both
parents
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 and
schools
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 have equally significant
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
 on
children
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 to reduce unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 through screentime limitation and
proper
Correct article usage
a proper
show examples
 set of rules from the school.

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task response
Your main view is clear, but add more full talk on how both parents and schools help a child be fit in life. Link all ideas to the idea of a healthy life.
coherence cohesion
Make a simple plan: intro with one line on your view, body with three small ideas, and a short conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence cohesion
Use short, clear sentences. Put only one idea in each sentence and use linking words like first, also, but, and finally.
task response
Check that each example is tied to the point it follows. Use only facts that show a link to a healthy life, not too many extra points.
task response
Try to show more specific examples from real life that fit the idea of healthy life, and not only tech use.
strength
The essay has a clear aim that both parents and schools share the job of a child’s life.
structure
There are sign words to show order (To begin with, Further, In conclusion).
content
Examples are used to show ideas (screen time, rules at school).
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
What to do next:
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