IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The diagrams below show how chocolate is made and how the price of a chocolate bar is divided up among those involved in the process.

The diagram illustrates shows it ways
chocolate
Use synonyms
 is made and
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the nine stages from the beginning is making to the end of the production ,
also
Linking Words
value
Correct article usage
the value
show examples
 of a
chocolate
Use synonyms
 in the
process
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the procedure transforms the
cocoa
Use synonyms
 grinder into a
chocolate
Use synonyms
 bar
it
Punctuation problem
. It
show examples
 is made from another material,like as sugar and water .Notably,
this
Linking Words
process
Use synonyms
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is divided into defrost and freeze .
In addition
Linking Words
 to the price in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
many places. The
process
Use synonyms
 of starting
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 the
cocoa
Use synonyms
 put in the machine
after
Punctuation problem
, after
show examples
 that of waste it turns
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
cocoa
Use synonyms
hquor
Correct your spelling
liquor
 when it
Linking Words
finally is
Correct word order
is finally
show examples
add
Wrong verb form
added to
show examples
pressno
Correct your spelling
press no
 and
cocoa
Use synonyms
 powder with
cocoa
Use synonyms
 butter. Once separated, they put it in
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
industry
Punctuation problem
industry,
show examples
 it
together
Verb problem
is mixed together
show examples
Correct word order
with suqar
show examples
suqar
Correct your spelling
sugar
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
mixed
Replace the word
mixture
show examples
 of materials with each other it is distributed in the
mold
Change the spelling
mould
show examples
 it
formation
Replace the word
form
show examples
Use synonyms
chocolate
Correct article usage
a chocolate
show examples
 bar.
Linking Words
Subsequently
Add a comma
Subsequently,
show examples
 the
process
Use synonyms
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is divided into on the supermarket nearly 34,
while
Linking Words
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
chocolate
Correct article usage
the chocolate
show examples
 company around 10.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words chocolate, process, cocoa with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "divided" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultivation
  • harvesting
  • extraction
  • fermentation
  • drying
  • roasting
  • grinding
  • chocolate liquor
  • price distribution
  • stakeholders
  • retail price
  • environmental impact
  • social impact
  • deforestation
  • unfair labor practices
  • fair trade
  • organic farming
  • innovations
  • disease-resistant
  • sustainable production
What to do next:
Look at other essays: