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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having a negative impact on children's beahaviour.do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that
children
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's
behaviour
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 is negatively impacted
due to
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 watching
violence
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 on
television
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. I truly agree with the statement and will explain
you
Change preposition
to you
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 the reasons
on
Change preposition
apply
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why the
children
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's
behaviour
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 is influenced. One major reason for
this
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 behavioural change is
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children
Correct word choice
that children
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doesn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
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 know what to watch on
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television
Punctuation problem
television,
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while
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 adults are busy focusing their time on their work.
Moreover
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,
televisions
Fix the agreement mistake
television
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 doesn't have any limitations on the people's age who are watching it.
For example
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, on
holidays
Punctuation problem
holidays,
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children
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 watch
tv
Use the right word
TV
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 for
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
 7 hours
while
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 parents sleep, cook and clean the house. A study by Harvard University says 80%
children
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 who
see
Verb problem
watch
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tv
Use the right word
TV
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 for prolonged hours
doesnt
Wrong verb form
don't
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 act
normal
Replace the word
normally
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. Another concern is that exposure to violent
television
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content
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 can desensitise
children
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 to real-life consequences. Continuous viewing of violent scenes may reduce
children
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’s sensitivity to others’ pain and suffering, making them less empathetic.
As a result
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,
children
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 may become more tolerant of aggressive
behaviour
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 and less aware of the seriousness of
violence
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.
This
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 desensitisation can
also
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 increase fear and anxiety, as
children
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 may believe the world is a more dangerous place than it actually is.
However
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, some people argue that not all
television
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violence
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 leads to negative
behaviour
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, especially when
children
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 are guided by parents.
While
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this
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 view has some merit, parental supervision alone is often insufficient if violent
content
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 is excessive or inappropriate for a child’s age. Without clear guidance and
content
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 regulation,
children
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 may struggle to distinguish between fictional
violence
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 and acceptable real-life
behaviour
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. In conclusion, I strongly agree that the growing presence of
violence
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 on
television
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 has a negative impact on
children
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’s
behaviour
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.
Although
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 parental guidance can reduce some risks, limiting exposure to violent
content
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 and promoting age-appropriate programming are essential steps in protecting
children
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’s emotional and behavioural development.

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task response
Your view is clear, but add more facts or small proof to back each idea. Fix grammar errors so ideas sound true.
coherence
Group ideas in one para. Use clear link words to show order, like first, next, also, then, but, so. Keep sentences short.
content
The essay shows a clear view and a stance.
structure
You use linking words like However and In conclusion.
argument
There is a counter-arg and a clear end.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitizes
  • imitate
  • aggressive behaviors
  • fear and anxiety
  • overall mental health
  • social skills
  • increased aggression
  • healthy relationships
  • academic performance
  • increased stress
  • distraction
  • negative influence
  • exposure to violence
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