IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that it is the responsibility of the government of the country to ensure a healthy lifestyle for its people, while others believe that individuals should be free to make decisions for their lifestyles. Discuss both views and give your opinion

While
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 some
people
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 believe that the
government
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 of a country should ensure a healthy
lifestyle
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 for its citizens, others argue that
individuals
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 should make their own
decisions
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 about how they live. Personally, I believe that it is the responsibility of the
government
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. On the one hand,
people
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 are free to make their own
decisions
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, and they can eat, drink, smoke, and generally do whatever they want. It can be considered positive that
individuals
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 choose their
lifestyle
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 based on their own opinions in society.
This
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 freedom means that some
people
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 may use drugs or other illegal substances. Most
people
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 do not approve of
such
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 lifestyles because these habits are harmful and useless.
However
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, some
individuals
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 consider themselves free and special, believing that they are not slaves of the system. Freedom of choice is not only related to drugs but
also
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 to weapons. Many governments do not allow citizens to carry guns because it is dangerous,
although
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 some
people
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 believe that carrying guns makes them feel safer.
On the other hand
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, supporters of
government
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 responsibility accept strict rules because they help to protect public
health
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. If everyone were completely free to make
decisions
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 about their
lifestyle
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, the consequences could be negative. Many harmful products would be allowed, and
people
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 might try them and become addicted. In some cases, using drugs even once can lead to dependency.
As a result
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,
people
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 may suffer from serious
health
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 problems, and life expectancy may decrease. Supporters of
this
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 view believe that the
government
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 should protect not only
individuals
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 but
also
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 society as a whole. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the
government
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 to regulate lifestyles because complete freedom in
health
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-related
decisions
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 can be dangerous.
People
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 often make mistakes and choose unhealthy habits, which may lead to poor
health
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 and even early death. In conclusion,
although
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 both views have their advantages, I believe that the
government
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 should play a key role in controlling
lifestyle
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 choices in order to protect public
health
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 and improve
people
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’s quality of life.

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structure
The essay has a clear view and some good points, but add more facts or examples to back ideas.
cohesion
Link ideas with simple joining words and keep one idea per paragraph to show a steady flow.
lexical
Choose precise word when talking about health. Replace 'useless' with 'not good' or 'harmful'.
task
The writer shows a clear view and gives a direct opinion.
cohesion
The essay uses simple words and a basic plan, with an intro, body and conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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