Everyone should stay in school until the age of eighteen. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

o
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To
be involved in the education system is important; children need to be part of it. There are a lot of benefits for a student if they can finish their primary and secondary
school
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. In
this
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essay, I will tackle the extent to
what extent
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which
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I agree and disagree.
Firstly
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, having the chance to study is a privilege, because a lot of young people don’t have the chance to.
Therefore
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, being at
school
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finishing the primary and secondary years is beneficial.
For instance
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, it gives the children the fundamentals, and it will be easier for them to be prepared for something greater later in life.
Second,
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it can give power and
chose
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choose
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the skills they want to pursue in life before entering college days.
Also
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, in those moments, pupils can learn how to interact with other people and create bonds in their
school
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years.
On the other hand
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, after finishing secondary
school
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, individuals have the choice of whether they want to continue their education or pursue something greater than that. For some, they just want to try and take risks in other areas, like doing their own business, so that they can earn more and be a leader with their own company.
Moreover
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, a lot of people believe that studying longer at
school
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is a waste of time and money.
To conclude
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, being at
school
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at a young age is important, and I agree with it, because
this
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is the time when young children need the right guidance to shape their future.
Thus
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, they can be part of society and be the person they want to be.

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structure
Plan your essay first. Write a small map: say what you will agree with, then two big ideas, then a short close.
grammar
Use simple and exact words. Check grammar and fix big errors.
content
Give more clear and real examples to show your points.
coherence
Use link words well to move ideas, such as 'also', 'but', 'for example'.
task response
The writer shows a clear view on staying in school at the end.
coherence
There are good ideas on why school helps and on life after school.
structure
Some linking words help the flow of ideas.
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