IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the best way to reduce spent in travelling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city centre with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree.Discuss both views and give your own opinion .

Nowadays, some people believe that gardens and green areas in the downtown areas of crowded cities should be replaced.
This
Linking Words
 is to give more space for workers and reduce the spent of travel.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue that
while
Linking Words
 replacing parks would be seen as a good idea, it is actually the wrong thing to do
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 my opinion is that I do not support it. It will examine some examples and arguments why I am completely against
this
Linking Words
 belief and why we should think differently.
While
Linking Words
 an important number of people might think that replacing these important spaces with an exceptional conception, because it could bring new job opportunities, not only for the people who need the space to live , but
also
Linking Words
 to the new investment fund that can bring capital into the business.
This
Linking Words
 is not the whole picture. There are other key points to paint out.
For example
Linking Words
, in Hong Kong , open areas were replaced in some central places , and
as a result
Linking Words
, there is a lack of clean air, a fall in outdoor activities and a decline in some development indicators.
This
Linking Words
 traditional facing problem brings new issues to think about.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there are other cities that have managed the complication from another perspective.
Instead
Linking Words
 of removing open and green spaces, which are vital for the city and their inhabitants, they made a different public policy.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Amsterdam exists a policy which promotes remote work of big companies, and has an excellent public transport network;
thus
Linking Words
, workplace travelling is getting less expensive than it was in the past.
This
Linking Words
 wise interpretation fixed the question.
To conclude
Linking Words
, cities should have a different approach to
this
Linking Words
 kind of dilemma.
While
Linking Words
 replacing and building might sound like a good interpretation, it is only convenient on the surface. Public policy makers should expand their ideas and think out of the box in order to get a better understanding of the trouble as a whole.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

weakness
The essay talks about two views but the balance is not clear. Add more on the other side too and compare them clearly.
tip
Use short, direct lines. Many long, mixed ideas make it hard to read.
tip
Make a clear plan: intro, view 1, view 2, your view, finish with a simple ending.
tip
Give more exact proof for each point. Link idea to the example you give.
strength
Clear view against the idea is shown.
strength
Uses link words like 'Furthermore', 'For instance' and 'To conclude'.
content
Mentions real places to show thought.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: