Some people believe that it is important for young children to attend school, while others think that they should spend more time with their family at home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

There is a debate over how
children
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shouldchildren
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should
spend their time, with some saying attending
school
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is essential for young
children
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, others arguing that they ought to spend more time with their family at home. In my opinion,
children
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should go to
school
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as it helps them to gain knowledge. One main reason why some people prefer going to
school
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is that it helps them acquire knowledge and independence.
In other words
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,
children
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who are allowed to be in
school
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learn academic knowledge and are more independent.
For instance
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, many young individuals who were given a chance to study at
school
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during childhood and taught by qualified teachers are able to select their university or career path without hesitation , thanks to the education that they
gain
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gained
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at
school
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.
As a result
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, allowing
children
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to attend
school
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can prepare them for adult life and help them become more confident.
However
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, another point against
this
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is that
children
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should
also
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spend more time with their family at home, as it is parents who provide the strongest foundation of some basic needs,
such
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as guidelines and attention.
For example
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, some young
children
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often seek attention and are more sensitive. Should parents fail to give these basic needs, minors may face loneliness at their young age and even experience anxiety without parental guidelines.
Therefore
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, they may lose a feeling of love for their family and start avoiding them in the future.
To conclude
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,
although
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a supportive family environment, parental guidance, and sufficient attention play a vital role in the lives of young
children
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, I believe that attending
school
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and being taught by qualified teachers is far more beneficial.
This
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is because formal education helps
children
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develop independence and make informed decisions about their future careers.
As a result
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, schooling better prepares
children
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for life rather than a family setting.

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task response
Be sure to answer both views clearly and give a strong, clear opinion in the end.
task response
Add more specific examples for both sides; avoid general ideas.
coherence cohesion
Make the ideas easy to follow with a clear order; use one idea per paragraph.
language
Check grammar and phrase small mistakes; use simple words where needed.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas are connected.
content
Opinion is clear and told early in the essay.
structure
There is a clear intro and a short conclusion.
content
Ideas are linked to each other with some good examples.
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