IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Should governments make decisions about people's lifestyle , or should people make their own decisions?

In the modern era, it is an argued issue whether governments should be intrusive in residents' private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 or people should be free to make their own decisions. Even though government intervention in their lifestyles can prevent dangers in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, I firmly believe that locals should have the freedom to make choices about their lives since it can deter immigration of some professionals who contribute to
countries'
Check wording
a country's
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 growth. On the one hand, there are some reasons in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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favour of government involvement in personal lifestyles.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some policies are implemented to protect the health of locals. A number of products,
such
Linking Words
 as alcohol, drugs, and other harmful substances, are easily available in some markets. These are not only deleterious for the adolescents and
old
Correct word choice
older
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 residents
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they may
also
Linking Words
 influence minors to consume them. Death and serious illness, namely heart attacks, are the consequences
from
Change preposition
of
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 the
cosumption
Correct your spelling
consumption
 of these harmful products.
For example
Linking Words
, if an elderly person drinks alcohol in public places, others may
also
Linking Words
 be inspired to consume it.
Thus
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, in some nations, drinking it is forbidden to
cosume
Correct your spelling
consume
 it in parks, roads, and other public places.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it is the responsibility of the policymakers to regulate the substances.
On the other hand
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, I contend that excessive interference by authorities can force citizens to emigrate to other nations where their fundamental rights and personal autonomy are protected.
As a result
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, emigration of wealthy and skilled citizens can lead to a decline in a country's economic growth because they play a crucial part in
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
a country's
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 development.
For example
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, many
professsional
Correct your spelling
professional
 individuals ,
such
Linking Words
 as doctors, engineers, and scientists, nowadays move to Canada, the USA, and England where personal freedoms are protected.
Consequently
Linking Words
, originating countries may experience
shortage
Correct article usage
a shortage
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 in key sectors
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whereas
Punctuation problem
, whereas
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 the destination nations can
benefits
Wrong verb form
benefit
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 from the expertise of these migrants.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 authorities should intervene in people's private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 to protect societies, I contemplate that it should only be to a limited extent because excessive government interference
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
can drive some skilled and rich adults to emigrate in search of greater personal freedom.

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task
The essay answers the task but shows the two sides only lightly. Strengthen task by giving more clear and balanced points for both sides and a final, clear take.
coherence
Try short, simple sentences. Break long ideas into two sentences for a smoother flow.
grammar
Fix common spell and word errors. Check spellings like 'consume', 'professional', and 'benefits'.
cohesion
Use simple linking words like 'and', 'but', 'also', 'therefore', to join ideas. Don’t overdo them.
vocabulary
Keep words from the common use list. Avoid hard words.
content
Clear view that freedom of choice matters
structure
Shows both sides of the issue
content
Gives an example of skilled workers moving to other countries
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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