IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

A large number of
criminals
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return
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 to engage in more offences after they get out of
prison
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the causes behind
this
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 act and how we can solve
this
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 problem. There are various reasons why
offenders
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 commit
crimes
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 after they serve their punishment. One major reason is unemployment; in some
countries
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countries,
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 government authorities do not offer jobs to
criminals
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 after they get out of
prison
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 and do not give them new IDs, and it may be hard for
offenders
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 to have jobs,
hence
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, having a bad reputation and a criminal record, which leads
criminals
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 to commit
crimes
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such
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 as theft, pickpocketing and shoplifting.
Secondly
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, released
offenders
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 often
return
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 to the same neighbourhoods and social circles they committed
crimes
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with
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in
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;
this
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 act can encourage
criminals
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 to
return
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 to
crimes
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.
Thirdly
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, some
criminals
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 who face a short
prison
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 sentence get mixed up and put in cells with
criminals
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 who committed
crimes
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 that face the death penalty,
for example
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, murder and human trafficking, which leads them to be motivated to commit
crimes
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.
On the other hand
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, there are numerous ways to help decrease the number of
crimes
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 committed by
criminals
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 who
return
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 from
prison
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. One method to help is to provide educational programmes and classes in
prison
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 to help individuals enhance and discover their skills;
also
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, local agencies should provide
offenders
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 with new IDs.
As a result
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, these acts can spark a chance of employment for
criminals
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 and open up new opportunities.
In addition
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 to that, prisons should divide cells and put
criminals
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 who committed harsh
crimes
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 in different areas away from
criminals
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 who committed small
crimes
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 and stop the interaction between them.
To conclude
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,
although
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criminals
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 may have committed
crimes
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 that involve serious consequences, they are still a part of the community and can help change and develop our societies.

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organization
Put one idea in each paragraph. Start with an intro, then a paragraph on causes, then a paragraph on fixes, and end with a short finish.
coherence
Use simple words to join ideas, with links like first, also, but, so to show how ideas go from one to the next.
grammar
Make sentences shorter. Break long lines into two or three easy parts.
content
Give clear and small examples for each point so the reader sees the point quickly.
content
The plan is clear: causes then fixes.
content
The essay shows some real ideas and examples.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • recidivism
  • rehabilitation programs
  • social stigma
  • ex-convicts
  • reintegration
  • support systems
  • mental health issues
  • addiction problems
  • criminal networks
  • incarceration
What to do next:
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