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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

You said: It is difficult for many people to create a balance between their professional and their personal life. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve this problem?

In
this
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 day and age, more and more
people
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 are finding it hard to
balance
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 their professional
an
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and
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person
Replace the word
personal
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life
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due to
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 a plethora of reasons. On one hand, it is crucial to strive professionally in order to succeed in
life
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.
On the other hand
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, not focusing on personal
life
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 could lead to dire consequences. There are many reasons
as to
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apply
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why individuals tend to struggle to maintain the perfect
balance
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 without sacrificing anything on either side.
This
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 essay aims to present those
reasonings
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reasons
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as well as
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 provide a solution that could help
alliviate
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alleviate
this
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 issue. One of the most pressing
circumstance
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circumstances
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 that leads to a lack of proper work-
life
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balance
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 is related to economics and personal finances. Looking at Hong Kong as an example, many
people
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 in the city
prioritises
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prioritise
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 their profession not necessarily out of interest or passion, or a need to grow professionally, but rather for survival. With the
ever increasing
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ever-increasing
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 cost of living, many are forced to put their work above everything else. It is not uncommon to hear about someone missing out on crucial moments
such
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 as their child's basketball match or the anniversary of their relationship just so they could work overtime or focus on a current project. In many cases, it is
due to
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 the fact that
individual
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individuals
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 are heavily reliant on the current paycheck to survive. Missing even a few hours of work could be the thing that decides if they would have enough to cover their living costs
this
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 month.
For
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this
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 reason, many
people
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 are choosing to prioritise their profession over personal
life
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 as it is a means of survival. To combat
this
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, the minimum wage should be increased to ensure everyone can survive.
Culture
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,
however
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, is equally at fault for
this
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 problem. Many
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culture
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cultures
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 value
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
, sometimes to the point of sacrificing other things. In cities like Hong Kong, Tokyo, and Singapore, advancing in your career and putting it
above all
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 else is expected. From a young age, children are taught that in order to be successful, they must have a stable career.
This
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 mindset forces them to believe that
profession
Correct pronoun usage
their profession
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in
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is
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 the most important thing in their lives. The
culture
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 they were brought up in places an emphasis on professional development.
As a result
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, they are willing to go to any length to advance professionally, even at the expense of their personal lives. It is, unfortunately, not uncommon to hear about
people
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 struggling mentally
due to
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this
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 pressure. Yet, not much change is done
and
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, and
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 it is not expected to get much better
as
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, as
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this
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 mindset has been deeply ingrained into the minds of the
people
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 in these communities. As
such
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, the
culture
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 that a person is living in contributes just as much to the lack of work-
life
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balance
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. Raising awareness through campaigns can help with
this
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.
To conclude
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, work-
life
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balance
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 continues to be one of the most pressing
issue
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issues
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 of our time. From economics to
culture
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, countless factors contribute to
this
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 growing problem.
However
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, with the right intervention from the government and community, it can be solved.

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structure
The essay has a plan but the links between parts are weak. Start a new paragraph with a clear idea and use simple links like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'so'.
evidence
Add more facts or small numbers to show how big the problem is or how much the answer helps.
language
Fix spelling and grammar, use easy words and check 'they', 'their', 'it's'.
structure
Clear aim and short end.
content
Uses real places to show the problem.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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