IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that to make healthy foods like fruits and vegetables more affordable, they should be subsidised by the government. Others believe that it is better to tax unhealthy foods. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is widely believed among some
individuals
Use synonyms
 that certain healthy
foods
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as fruits and vegetables, should be affordable.
Whereas
Linking Words
 others believe taxing junk or processed
food
Use synonyms
 is the
government
Use synonyms
's responsibility.
This
Linking Words
 essay with discuss both views , and I will provide my opinion. On the one hand, there are numerous
individuals
Use synonyms
 who strictly believe that healthy
food
Use synonyms
 should be affordable.
For example
Linking Words
, governments could establish laws restricting manufacturers from overpricing organic
foods
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 could afford healthier
food
Use synonyms
options
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as fruits and vegetables. Another example may be providing farmers with monthly allowances from the
government
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, these farmers will spend the monthly allowance on the animals' nutritional needs, medical supplies and even seeds.
Thus
Linking Words
, farmers will decrease the prices of their products to manufacturers , leading to cheaper and healthier
food
Use synonyms
options
Use synonyms
 in the markets.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there is a group of
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that establishing taxes on unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 is a controlled option.
For instance
Linking Words
, with the rising
economy
Add a comma
economy,
show examples
 many
people
Use synonyms
 are struggling
with affording
Change preposition
to afford
show examples
 basic groceries.
Therefore
Linking Words
, setting taxes on. Junk or even processed
foods
Use synonyms
 may lead most
individuals
Use synonyms
 to healthier
options
Use synonyms
. Another reason for
this
Linking Words
 perspective is believing that unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 has risen the rates of global health issues.
For example
Linking Words
, diabetes and cardiovascular diseases are at high rates globally
due to
Linking Words
 the consumption and accessibility of unhealthy nutritional
options
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, by increasing the price of unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
, fewer
people
Use synonyms
 would purchase them,
while
Linking Words
 decreasing
health
Check wording
the spread of
show examples
 diseases. In conclusion, as
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be clearly seen, there are numerous ways to lead
individuals
Use synonyms
 to consume better
options
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, most believe it is the
government
Use synonyms
's responsibility whether it is to decrease the price of healthy
foods
Use synonyms
 or tax junk
options
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I believe that it is both the
Use synonyms
government
Check wording
government's
show examples
 and the individual's responsibility to choose better
options
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Your essay has two sides and your view, but ideas are not clearly linked. Show clearly how each idea can help or harm and tie it back to the question.
grammar
Use simple grammar. Check small errors in form and word choice to avoid mistakes.
content
Give more clear examples that fit your point and do not add extra detail that does not help your view.
structure
Two views are shown and your own view is in the end.
scaffold
There is an intro and a conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: