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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the percentage of men and women employed in four different types of industries in one town in 1986, 1996 and 2006.

The table compares the proportion of males and females employed in four different categories of industries in one city from 1986 and 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the majority of
men
Use synonyms
initially
Linking Words
 employed in
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 industry
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
then
Linking Words
 changed to catering .
Moreover
Linking Words
, women
tent
Use the right word
tend
show examples
 to work in
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 sphere compared to
men
Use synonyms
. In detail,in 1986,
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 industry remained in first place of employment of
men
Use synonyms
 at approximately 36% relatively
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other sectors,
whereas
Linking Words
 females worked in
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 field at 33%higher than males at 13%.
Further
Linking Words
, 26 percentage of women applied for catering higher than
men
Use synonyms
 at 16% In 1996, manufacturing jobs declined to 21% and catering increased from 16% to 22% the highest level comparatively. Meanwhile,
education
Use synonyms
 grew to 35% and banking
also
Linking Words
 increased to 16% from 12%. In 2006, catering stood
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 stage of employment of
men
Use synonyms
 at 22%,
while
Linking Words
 banking and
education
Use synonyms
 sectors increased minimally to 21% and 15%. Respectively, industrial production decreased father growth from 32% to 17%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, females’ schooling topped
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
38%,
food
Correct word choice
and food
show examples
 service levelled at 26% throughout the period. Factory production experienced decline
significantly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
from 18 to 6
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, education with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment trends
  • gender-based preferences
  • industry employment
  • male-dominated industry
  • female participation
  • employment opportunities
  • traditional association
  • gender disparity
  • equal male and female employment
  • evolutionary trends
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