IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Women can do everything that men can and they even do it better. They also can do many things that men cannot. But it is a fact that their work is not appreciated as much as men’s, although they have to sacrifice a lot for their family and career… It is said: “A woman’s place is in the home.” What do you think?

For many centuries,
women
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 regarded as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 main workforce when it comes to
household
Use synonyms
 routines. Throughout the world, many
example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
 can be found that
women
Use synonyms
 are more likely to engage in
household
Use synonyms
 work
while
Linking Words
 men are working outside of their homes. In
this
Linking Words
 modern world, we can see
this
Linking Words
 barrier
eruding
Correct your spelling
eroding
, and I strongly suppose
this
Linking Words
 tendency should be
acceralated
Correct your spelling
accelerated
. On one hand, we have to admit that there used
be
Verb problem
to be
show examples
 a strong concept of gender
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
 historically. Under
this
Linking Words
 point of view, males
Verb problem
are supporsed
show examples
supporsed
Correct your spelling
supposed
 to work outside
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 do
choirs
Use the right word
chores
show examples
 within their homes.
This
Linking Words
 concept
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been
accepted widely
Correct word order
widely accepted
show examples
 as it
sound
Correct subject-verb agreement
sounds
show examples
 very natural to the people who lived old days.
This
Linking Words
 is very notable when we think about a
primiive
Correct your spelling
primitive
 world where
phisically
Correct your spelling
physically
 strong men need to hunt for food to protect their family and the society they
belonged
Wrong verb form
belong
show examples
 to.
Thus
Linking Words
,
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 at home were left to
women
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in today's developed society, it is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right
timing
Replace the word
time
show examples
 to reconsider
this
Linking Words
 old-fashioned view. Thanks to
commercial
Correct article usage
the commercial
show examples
 development that we have experienced, almost every product and service can be purchased at stores or online.
In addition
Linking Words
, technology
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 dramatically eliminated a burden relating
household
Use synonyms
. As an average couple spends less amount of time on
household
Use synonyms
choirs
Use the right word
chores
show examples
 than before,
women
Use synonyms
 now have plenty
amout
Check wording
apply
show examples
of time to work outside. As I discussed above, almost all limitations that prevented
women
Use synonyms
 from working outside
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 now
seems
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
show examples
 to be lifted. In my personal opinion, I strongly believe that now is the best
timing
Replace the word
time
show examples
 to rethink our gender
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
 and make the relationship between men and
women
Use synonyms
 much more
equally
Replace the word
equal
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay has a good idea about how views on women change, but you need to make your main point clear in the start and end. State your view simply.
coherence and cohesion
Links between ideas are not steady. Use simple link words to show how one sentence leads to the next.
grammar
The writing has many spelling and form mistakes. Use correct grammar and word form; keep to easy verbs and endings.
lexical resource/vocabulary
Give real examples to show your point. Mention studies, or real jobs where women work in the same role as men.
organization
Use a set plan: intro with view, 2-3 body para each with a clear idea, and a short conclusion that restates your view.
content
The topic is clear and you give a view.
coherence
There are some good links that show how ideas can connect.
content
You share a true idea that society and tech can change how work is split.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: