IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. Discuss both views and give your opinon.

A lot of individuals think that it is incorrect to maintain creatures in
zoos
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
zoos
Use synonyms
 are both entertaining and ecologically significant.Personally, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 keeping
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 is not
that
Rephrase
entirely
show examples
 true or wrong
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
further
Linking Words
 below
some
Punctuation problem
, some
show examples
 arguments will be provided. On the one hand, keeping
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 might be useful for
Use synonyms
animals’
Correct article usage
the animals’
show examples
 safety and
breed
Replace the word
breeding
show examples
. What I mean by
this
Linking Words
 is
Use synonyms
zoos
Correct word choice
that zoos
show examples
 are much safer for herbivores,
besides
Linking Words
 living a wide life.
In addition
Linking Words
,
animals
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
zoos
Use synonyms
 are daily
care
Check wording
apply
show examples
by professional zookeepers, which means people should not think about it.
For instance
Linking Words
, keeping creatures in
zoos
Use synonyms
 gives young individuals motivation or interest for their future. Which means, young people will see different types of
animals
Use synonyms
, and they might be interested in
animals
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 they plan to be caretakers of creatures.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there is a second reason why keeping
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 is not that wrong. To clarify that
animals
Use synonyms
 which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 growth and
bred
Verb problem
raised
show examples
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 will be taken to freedom. As an illustration, zookeepers will take
animals
Use synonyms
 to guard areas which are much bigger than
zoos
Use synonyms
. At that place they will live without children’s shouts.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, maintaining
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 is not
that
Rephrase
entirely
show examples
 true because of the environment. To explain, not all
zoos
Use synonyms
 are modern or comfortable for
animals
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 at that kind of
zoo
Punctuation problem
zoo,
show examples
 their zookeepers do not raise or care
great
Replace the word
greatly
show examples
. As an illustration, in that
zoo's
Check wording
zoo
show examples
animals
Use synonyms
 might suffer from food and health
.
Check wording
issues.
show examples
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if the animal is sick or has a virus, that will be dangerous for individuals who
lead
Verb problem
take
show examples
 their children to
zoos
Use synonyms
. What I am going to clarify is that children have weak immune systems, which means they will easily spread disease. What I will give as an example is that parents should wear masks for their child if they go to old or
low budget
Use the right word
low-budget
show examples
zoos
Use synonyms
.
Inconclusion
Use the right word
In conclusion
show examples
,
although
Linking Words
 both views have some merit, I believe that
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
show examples
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
more
Verb problem
is more
show examples
 convincing because they will get great attention.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it can be said that keeping
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 is not great because of freedom.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Make your view clear in the first part and stay with it to the end. Do not mix too much with other ideas.
coherence
Plan your writing. Use four parts: intro, view 1, view 2, conclusion. Use simple link words like first, then, also, but, finally.
grammar
Check your grammar. Look at subject and verb, end of sentence, and use short lines. Avoid long, hard to read lines.
task response
The writing tries to cover both sides of the idea.
coherence
There are some examples to show the point.
structure
It has a clear plan with start, body and end.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: