IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

People are living longer. Some people think that it causes big problems. Others, however, think that the aging population has many advantages for business, government, and society in general. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Numerous individuals have a long life span nowadays; some argue that
this
Linking Words
 trend has serious issues,
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
apply
show examples
think that the old generation offers many benefits for all aspects of society. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain each side and include my view on
this
Linking Words
 trend. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 who live longer may face various problems. One major problem is that they are more prone to diseases
such
Linking Words
 as cancer and heart stroke.
Secondly
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 may face some financial challenges; most companies and workplaces require early retirement, so unless they own other businesses other than their job or another source of income, they may tend to take on debt, which may lead to poverty.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, most older
people
Use synonyms
 do not have anyone to take care of them when they are old; even inside the nursing home, it may be hard for them to form friendships with others.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the older generations provide many advantages; older adults have much more experience and wisdom in comparison to the younger generation, so they act as guardians, providing young
people
Use synonyms
 with lessons and teaching them new skills,
for example
Linking Words
, patience and financial management.
Also
Linking Words
, they are considered as a support to other family members since they offer to take care of their children.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
 play a crucial role in our society;
therefore
Linking Words
, governments should encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to take care of them and organise events where older
people
Use synonyms
 form new friendships with other
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
Your answer treats both sides and gives your own view, which is good. Try to make your view very clear in the last line as a strong, easy wish.
language
Some words are not used in the right way. Use 'heart disease' or 'stroke' instead of 'heart stroke'. Also 'long life span' sounds odd; say 'long life' or 'long life span' is fine but keep it simple.
structure
Link ideas smoothly. After one point, add a small word like 'also', 'but', or 'therefore' to move to the next thought.
style
Some sentences are long. Break them into two shorter ones for ease.
content
Give a real example for each idea to make your point strong and clear.
structure
Clear plan with four parts: intro, two bodies, and conclusion.
cohesion
You use sign words to show sides, like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand'.
content
Your own view is stated at the end.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • ageing population
  • healthcare systems
  • long-term care
  • public spending
  • healthcare professionals
  • skilled labor
  • economic growth
  • mentorship roles
  • intergenerational relationships
  • volunteerism
  • consumer spending
  • health and wellness
  • elderly demographic
  • financial burdens
What to do next:
Look at other essays: