IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children nowadays are experiencing health issues, which were previously believed to be exclusive to adults. Obesity, a significant health problem, is widespread among young individuals. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In the modern world, it is undeniable that many
children
Use synonyms
 are now suffering from health problems that were once considered exclusive to adults.
Obesity
Use synonyms
,
in particular
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, has become a widespread issue among young people. In
this
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 essay, an attempt will be made to examine the main causes of childhood
obesity
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 and the possible solutions to address
this
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 problem. One of the most apparent causes of
obesity
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 among
children
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 is unhealthy eating habits combined with a lack of physical activity. To illustrate, many
children
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 regularly consume fast food, sugary snacks, and carbonated drinks, which are high in calories but low in nutritional value.
For instance
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, busy parents often rely on convenience foods
due to
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 time constraints,
while
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children
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 are heavily influenced by advertisements promoting junk food.
In addition
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, modern lifestyles encourage sedentary behaviour, as
children
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 spend long hours watching television, playing video games, or using smartphones
instead
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 of engaging in outdoor activities.
As a result
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, excessive calorie intake and insufficient exercise contribute significantly to weight gain at an early age. The main solution that should not be overlooked is encouraging healthier lifestyles through education and environmental changes. To clarify, schools and parents play a vital role in promoting balanced diets and regular physical activity.
For example
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, schools can provide nutritious meals and ensure that physical education is a compulsory part of the curriculum. Parents,
on the other hand
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, can limit screen time and encourage
children
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 to participate in sports or outdoor play.
Furthermore
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, governments can support these efforts by regulating food advertising aimed at
children
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 and introducing taxes on sugary products to reduce consumption. To recapitulate, it is evident that poor dietary choices and inactive lifestyles are the primary causes of
obesity
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 among
children
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.
Therefore
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, it is necessary that families, schools, and governments work together to promote healthy habits, as early intervention can prevent long-term health problems and improve the
overall
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 well-being of future generations.

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strength
You do a good job of showing cause and fix. It is easy to read.
tip
Use more bridge words to link parts. Words like first, then, also, so, but, as a result help the flow.
tip
Give more detail for each fix. Say how schools can plan meals, how parents set screen time, and how a sugar tax could work. Use simple words.
tip
Add one or two clear real examples for each point as you go.
tip
End with a short line that sums up the main idea.
strength
Clear plan: cause then fix.
strength
Good use of examples to back ideas.
strength
Easy to read and follow.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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