IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Currently, some countries' populations include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Although
Linking Words
 currently most of the countries are surviving through
workforce
Correct article usage
a workforce
show examples
 coming from young
adults
Use synonyms
 in the world
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
however
Linking Words
,
old age
Correct word choice
older
show examples
 people
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
no longer have much energy to sustain the economy of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
world.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that the benefits of
this
Linking Words
 may outnumber the drawbacks.
Firstly
Linking Words
, young
adults
Use synonyms
 have more energy compared to older people.To add on, about 75% of the world
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 managing their coutries through power from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society aged 30
years
Check wording
apply
show examples
to 40 years.
Secondly
Linking Words
, young
adults
Use synonyms
 are the ones who are working in all production factories and industries.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2024, a survey
conducted
Verb problem
was conducted
show examples
 in Poland where many workers of that age are taking more hours (12-16 hour
shift
Fix the agreement mistake
shifts
show examples
);
whereas
Linking Words
,
old
Correct word choice
the older
show examples
 sector
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 struggling to work for only 8
hour
Correct your spelling
8-hour
 shift.
This
Linking Words
 clearly shows that Poland was developed through the workforce of young
adults
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, since older folks do not have much power to work in the heavy industries,
this
Linking Words
 can cause other nations to suffer
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of money and raw materials.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, over
60s
Check wording
over-60s
show examples
 can not fit
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 those
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
;
however
Linking Words
, they are spending most of the
country
Check wording
country's
show examples
 resources and capital
while
Linking Words
 they are getting medicines in the hospital without paying any cost.A very good example to consider, in Zimbabwe, the whole country is now suffering because there are few running factories since others are closed
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of empowerment and capital.
Hence
Linking Words
, if
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
the nation does not have enough young
adults
Use synonyms
,
will
Correct pronoun usage
it will
show examples
 not develop at all,
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is why there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less development in Zimbabwe. In conclusion, recently, some countries with a large population of
worforce
Correct your spelling
workforce
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 now developing compared to those with many older human
beigns
Correct your spelling
beings
.

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task
State your view clearly in the first paragraph and stick to it.
coherence
Give each paragraph one main idea and start with a topic sentence.
coherence
Use linking words to show how ideas relate. Avoid jumps in thought.
examples
Choose examples that fit the point and explain how they support it.
grammar
Check grammar and make simple, short sentences; fix mistakes like 'old age people' or 'countries' to 'countries'.
lexis
Use common words and simple style so your ideas are easy to read.
content
Clear idea that young workers can drive growth.
structure
Has a closing line that repeats the view.
examples
Attempts to use data or real case to back up points.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Demographic dividend
  • Dependency ratio
  • Workforce
  • Innovation
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Productivity
  • Social services
  • Pension funds
  • Cultural dynamism
  • Brain drain
  • Urbanization
  • Infrastructural challenges
  • Inter-generational equity
  • Socio-economic
  • Fiscal sustainability
  • Ageing population
What to do next:
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