IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days people tend to prioritise their individual aims over group goals. Is this a positive or negative development?

In
this
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 interconnected world, individualism is taking precedence over
community
Use synonyms
goals
Use synonyms
.
While
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this
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 can foster creativity and independence, I believe that it is a largely negative shift. It is widely acknowledged that when a person focuses on their personal
goals
Use synonyms
, they do their best to achieve their
goals
Use synonyms
 in a short period of time. By doing
this
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, they search for engaging and easy ways which
enhances
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhance
show examples
 their creativity, a crucial skill in all workplaces.
Additionally
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, concentrating only on private aims contributes to independence. When striving to succeed, one makes essential decisions themselves
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 in turn stimulates their
self-relience
Correct your spelling
self-reliance
, making them independent. Despite these arguments, I consider
this
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 change as a negative
due to
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 its adverse impact on society and the person
itself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
. As long as individuals in one
community
Use synonyms
 contemplate only about themselves,
this
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community
Use synonyms
 will face several challenges
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as a lack of collaboration and unity. When every individual cares about their personal desires, the traditions and customs of
this
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 nation will start to disappear. Moral values
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
 a sense of
community
Use synonyms
 and
kindness
Punctuation problem
kindness,
show examples
 will lose their value, deteriorating interpersonal
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
Besides
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, egoism
attributes
Verb problem
contributes
show examples
 to isolation. If a person is isolated, they may have psychological issues in their daily lives. Increasing the level of stress and
loniliness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
 can be good examples for
this
Linking Words
.
To conclude
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, being engaged in the implementation of personal
goals
Use synonyms
 might be beneficial for people in some ways.
However
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, the reverse effects of it - isolation and a threat to the sense of unity- make it negative,
overall
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.

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task response
Plan your answer first. Put your view in the first line. Then have two clear parts for good and bad points. Finish with a short end.
coherence
Use small link words to join ideas: also, but, however, for example, next.
coherence
One idea per paragraph. Each paragraph starts with a clear main idea and connects to the next.
grammar
Check grammar. Use 'self-reliance' and 'loneliness'. Fix spelling and form.
examples
Add a real, short example to show your point about groups or work.
position
You make a clear view that the move to more self goals is bad
structure
You use an intro and a conclusion
coherence
You try to link ideas across parts
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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