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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?

Currently, in Australia, more than half of young
children
Use synonyms
 are becoming overweight.
This
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 issue has raised a major question on whether educational institutions should be responsible for keeping track of
Use synonyms
children'
Check wording
children's
show examples
 diet and personal fitness.
While
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 I agree that it is the
schools
Use synonyms
' role to look after the
Use synonyms
children'
Check wording
children's
show examples
 well-being, I
also
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 believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 and the
government
Use synonyms
 are major players in addressing the problem of obesity. It is undeniable that most
children
Use synonyms
 spend a large portion of their day at school;
therefore
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, a school should not only be a place that provides education but
also
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 care. Since most
schools
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 nowadays start very early and finish relatively late in the day, it is expected that students will be eating and doing numerous activities there.
This
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 is the reason why
parents
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 are expecting
schools
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 to invest in
high
Correct word choice
high-quality
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 quality nutritious meals,
while
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also
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 encouraging their
children
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 to be physically active. A clear example of
this
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 would be primary and secondary
schools
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 in South Korea; these
schools
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 constantly collaborate with the local
government
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 in designing a weekly meal plan for their students in order to ensure that the school meals contain
health-benefits
Use the right word
health benefits
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while
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also
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 being delicious. Before the
schools
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' involvement, many young
children
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 in the country
have
Wrong verb form
had
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 extremely unhealthy eating habits, comprising
of
Change preposition
apply
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high-fat and high-sugar foods.
Although
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schools
Use synonyms
 can play a crucial role in addressing the problem of obesity in young
children
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,
parents
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 should be the ones setting
example
Correct article usage
an example
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 on healthy lifestyle choices.
Due to
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 the fact that many young
children
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 learn and adopt certain patterns of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 from the adults
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are closest to them.
According to
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a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research conducted by Thammasat University, a child
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 is surrounded by physically active adults is two times more likely to exercise or be attentive to their health. Meanwhile, a child who is born into a family with adults
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are not physically active is
also
Linking Words
 more likely to neglect their personal fitness.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the role of
parents
Use synonyms
 is to set a good example of a healthy lifestyle,
while
Linking Words
schools
Use synonyms
 and the
government
Use synonyms
 can help provide extra support. In conclusion, the severity of
obesity
Correct article usage
the obesity
show examples
 issue
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 young
children
Use synonyms
 in Australia requires collaboration between
schools
Use synonyms
,
parents
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 and the
government
Use synonyms
 in order to be efficiently addressed.

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Task response
State a clear position in the first paragraph and keep it in all body parts.
Content
Add real facts or clear links to your own country. Explain how each fact helps your point.
Coherence
Use simple linking words and keep one idea per paragraph to make your flow easy.
Grammar
Fix small grammar errors and keep sentences simple, to avoid mistakes.
Lexical resource
Use common words and short phrases; avoid long, hard words.
Structure
Your idea of sharing the work of schools, parents, and government is clear.
Coherence
You use paragraphs to separate ideas and have a plan.
Content
You give examples, like the South Korea plan and a study, to show your point.
Coherence
You use linking words to show how ideas connect.
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