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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph below shows the average monthly salary and the prices of black and white and colour TV in Japanese yen from 1953 to 1973.

The line graph delineates the average monthly
salary
Use synonyms
 of a Japanese working
person
Use synonyms
 over the two decades alongside the cost of black and white
television
Use synonyms
 and
colour
Use synonyms
 TV during the same period.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 there is a considerable increase in the
salary
Use synonyms
 of an average working
person
Use synonyms
 throughout the given period. There is a downward trend in the
price
Use synonyms
 of black and white
television
Use synonyms
 and
colour
Use synonyms
television
Use synonyms
.
Initially
Linking Words
, the
salary
Use synonyms
 of an earning
peson
Correct your spelling
person
 was roughly 25
Yen
Use synonyms
 in the year 1953. During which the rate of black and white
television
Use synonyms
 started at 100
Yen
Use synonyms
, which was above the budget of a working
person
Use synonyms
. There is a steady increase in the
salary
Use synonyms
 to 40
yen
Use synonyms
 at the interval of five years,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 the
price
Use synonyms
 of black and white
television
Use synonyms
 dropped to 80
yen
Use synonyms
 and in the same year
Use synonyms
colour
Punctuation problem
, colour
show examples
television
Use synonyms
 was introduced in the market at a
big
Correct word choice
high
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price
Use synonyms
 of 180
yen
Use synonyms
making
Punctuation problem
, making
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 it unaffordable to buy. In
1963
Punctuation problem
1963,
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 there was parallel steep
in
Check wording
increase in
show examples
 the
price
Use synonyms
 of both black and white
television
Use synonyms
and
Check wording
sets and
show examples
colour
Use synonyms
television
Use synonyms
set
Correct subject-verb agreement
sets
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 at 60
yen
Use synonyms
 and about 110
yen
Use synonyms
 respectively.
However
Linking Words
, there was
dramatic
Correct article usage
a dramatic
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 rise in the earnings at every regular interval
surpassing
Punctuation problem
, surpassing
show examples
 the cost of
black
Correct article usage
a black
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 and white
television
Use synonyms
 set in 1963 and
Use synonyms
colour
Correct article usage
a colour
show examples
 TV in 1968. There is a
further
Linking Words
 decrease in the
price
Use synonyms
 of both
television
Use synonyms
set
Correct subject-verb agreement
sets
show examples
 by the end of
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
 decade,
whereas
Linking Words
 the pay of working
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 skyrocketed to 180
yen
Use synonyms
 in 1973
making
Punctuation problem
, making
show examples
 it affordable to buy the
television
Use synonyms
 set.

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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words salary, person, television, colour, price, yen with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "set" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Average monthly salary
  • Black and white TV
  • Colour TV
  • Japanese Yen
  • Affordability
  • Upward/downward trend
  • Technological advancements
  • Consumer preferences
  • Price dynamics
  • Market changes
  • Increase/decrease
  • Ratio
  • Introduction
  • Compare/contrast
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