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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Employees sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In the modern world, it is undeniable that
employers
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 often request personal
information
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 from job applicants, including their hobbies, interests, and marital status. Some people believe that
such
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information
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 is useful for evaluating candidates,
while
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 others argue that it is unnecessary and potentially inappropriate. In
this
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 essay, an attempt will be made to examine both perspectives. Those who support requesting personal details provide some reasons to justify their view. One of the most apparent reasons is that
such
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information
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 can help
employers
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 understand a candidate’s personality and suitability for the role. To illustrate, hobbies and interests may reflect soft skills
such
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 as teamwork, creativity, or discipline.
For instance
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, a candidate involved in sports may demonstrate leadership and cooperation.
In addition
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, certain personal details may help
employers
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 assess availability or long-term commitment, which can be relevant in some positions. Those who disagree with the above idea
also
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 have some points that should not be overlooked. One major reason is that requesting personal
information
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 may lead to bias and unfair discrimination. To clarify, factors
such
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 as marital status or personal interests are not directly related to job performance.
For example
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,
employers
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 may unconsciously favour certain candidates based on irrelevant characteristics, which can result in unequal opportunities.
Furthermore
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, asking for
such
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information
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 may invade privacy and make applicants feel uncomfortable during the hiring process. To recapitulate, it is evident that personal
information
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 can provide insight into a candidate’s character,
while
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 the main drawback is the risk of bias and invasion of privacy. Having considered both sides thoroughly, I have personally come to believe that
employers
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 should only request relevant
information
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 and avoid unnecessary personal questions to ensure a fair and professional selection process.

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task response
Write a bit more on your own view in the last part. It is clear, but it can be stronger.
task response
Add one more direct example to make your ideas more full and real.
task response
Try to explain why some jobs may need some personal facts. This will make both sides more even.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words with care. Your essay is clear, but some parts sound a bit fixed.
coherence cohesion
Make one idea flow into the next in a more natural way.
coherence cohesion
Some points are good, but a few need a little more support.
task response
You answer both views and give your own opinion.
task response
Your ideas are clear and stay on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body, and end.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion matches your main view well.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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