IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

THE USE OF MOBILE PHONES IS AS ANTISOCIAL AS SMOKING. SMOKING IS BANNED IN CERTAIN PLACES SO MOBILE PHONE SHOULD BE BANNED LIKE SMOKING. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE.

In the modern world, it is undeniable that technology,
such
Linking Words
 as mobiles, has become an
adiction
Correct your spelling
addiction
 that results in isolation from people around us. It has been suggested that the use of devices should be prohibited
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 same
way
Use synonyms
 as it is smoking in specific areas. I am inclined to agree that it
Verb problem
is difficults
show examples
difficults
Correct your spelling
difficult
socialise
Verb problem
to socialise
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, it cannot be treated the same
way
Use synonyms
 as cigarette consumption. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, an attempt will be made to examine both perspectives.
While
Linking Words
 phones used to be a tool to automate our lives, nowadays
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
seems
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
show examples
 to create quite the opposite effect.
Whereas
Linking Words
 people may use them to communicate with their family members, others are just
infinitely
Rephrase
endlessly
show examples
 scrolling on social media. The latter action creates an antisocial behaviour which affects face-to-face relationships. Smoking
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 instance, separates the community
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 groups of those who do not smoke and the ones that do, creating a barrier
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between
.
Correct pronoun usage
them.
show examples
 It is clearly seen the similarities in both addictions
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
nevertheless
Add a comma
nevertheless,
show examples
 the impact of banning them in the same
way
Use synonyms
 does not
seems
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
show examples
 fair. A case in point is that mobiles are
also
Linking Words
 used as a
way
Use synonyms
 to contact our relatives in case of emergencies.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
prohibit
Wrong verb form
prohibiting
show examples
 them could be harmful for those in need to reach someone.
In contrast
Linking Words
 with
smoking
Punctuation problem
smoking,
show examples
 where
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 any scenario, the health
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the active and passive consumer will be affected. All things considered, it should not
been
Verb problem
have been
show examples
 treated the same
way
Use synonyms
. In summary, it is certain that both smoking and the usage of devices are socially affecting the
way
Use synonyms
 we relate with others.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I
stronlgy
Correct your spelling
strongly
 disagree with extreme measures of prohibition. I do believe there is a
way
Use synonyms
 to find a better solution to the matter if more options are given.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Fix spelling mistakes and use correct grammar to make the text clear.
structure
Make your main idea clear in the intro, and keep a single line of argument in the body to guide the reader.
coherence
Give more clear examples and link each idea with a simple sentence that joins ideas.
stance
The writer takes a clear view on the topic.
coherence
The essay shows some links between ideas and a balance in view.
lexical
The words are mostly simple and easy to read.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: