IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

violence in the media couses youth to became agressive, do you agree or disagree

Media
Correct article usage
The media
show examples
 has become a platform that
support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
show examples
 the freedom of speech
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
also
Linking Words
applied
Wrong verb form
applies
show examples
 to
content
Use synonyms
 creation. There are no actual filters on what we can see, yet we are the
consumer
Fix the agreement mistake
consumers
show examples
 who often
receving
Correct your spelling
receive
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 provided by certain platforms.
Violent
Replace the word
Violence
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 is inclusive
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 matter
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 society has been experiencing drawbacks
as a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
 particular
content
Use synonyms
. I strongly believe that the
existance
Correct your spelling
existence
 of violent
content
Use synonyms
 could affect the youngsters to
be
Verb problem
become
show examples
 uncontrollable. With
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will lay out two reasons why
such
Linking Words
content
Use synonyms
 can be harmful.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
teenager's
Correct article usage
a teenager's
show examples
 frontal cortex has not been fully developed yet. It causes inability for them to assess whether
this
Linking Words
content
Use synonyms
 is beneficial or destructive. By nature, younger generations tend to imitate their environment because they are still in the phase of observing prior to their adulthood. Without
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proper supervision, the influence of unfiltered
content
Use synonyms
 could be destructive.
For example
Linking Words
, there was a student who decided to undertake his schoolmate's
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
. He brought firearms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and brutally carried
the
Change preposition
out the
show examples
 attack. When the police conducted a closed-door interview, it was found that he consumed too much extremist
content
Use synonyms
 from online media.
Secondly
Linking Words
, there is a possibility that
violent
Replace the word
violence
show examples
 might be perceived as the representation of manhood. Conducting violence implicitly conveyed the physical ability to project power. For someone who is still searching for an identity,
this
Linking Words
 can
triggered
Wrong verb form
trigger
show examples
 a false hint because masculinity is not the same as conducting violence. Let's take a look
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the example,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of Indonesian high school students have experienced the infamous local mass fight. The motivation is clear, they tried to
proof
Replace the word
prove
show examples
 themselves to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. In short, the availability of violent
content
Use synonyms
 has caused a fatal backlash
within
Change preposition
among
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people. The lack of analytical thinking towards something and
missunderstanding
Correct your spelling
misunderstanding
 regarding the state of manhood are lethal.
This
Linking Words
 social issue has provided us with an actual example of how
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 could influence its consumers.

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Task Response
You show a clear view from the start and give two reasons. Add more detail to each reason. Use simple facts or ideas as proof. Fix small mistakes in grammar.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make the flow smooth. Use link words to join ideas and make better endings. Start with a clear plan in the intro and end with a short sum up in the conclusion.
task response
Clear stand from the start
coherence
Two reasons are given to back the view
content
An example is used to show the idea
What to do next:
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