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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Even when rich countries help poor countries economically, there are still issues related to hunger and diseases. What are the causes and solutions to these issues?

In today's world, eradicating poverty and eliminating contagious
deseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
 have become increasingly crucial for small countries.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they
constantly
Verb problem
are constantly
show examples
 facing
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 in responding
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 issues, wealthier states are always willing to grant any foreign
aids
Fix the agreement mistake
aid
show examples
 to assist.
However
Linking Words
, the problem is always there, no matter how much money they have poured
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the country. From my point of view, there are several reasons to indicate the
casual
Use the right word
causal
show examples
 matter and the possible solutions.
First,
Linking Words
the nature of the nation-state itself is different. There is a clear distinction in their bureaucracy. Developed countries possessed
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better management in handling
crisis
Fix the agreement mistake
crises
show examples
.
Sometimes
Punctuation problem
Sometimes,
show examples
 they
also
Linking Words
 implemented unbiased public policy to ensure there are no economic disparities across the country. In comparison, poorer states often come with the condition of domestic
politic
Correct word choice
political
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 volatility.
This
Linking Words
 particular situation acts as
barrier
Correct article usage
a barrier
show examples
 for the
government
Use synonyms
 to efficiently increase the quality of life,
such
Linking Words
 as hunger and diseases.
Second,
Linking Words
transparancy
Correct your spelling
transparency
 is still an issue in undeveloped states. The lack of integrity from the
government
Use synonyms
 sometimes
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to the budget
evation
Correct your spelling
evasion
.
Such
Linking Words
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 amount of money
supposed
Verb problem
is supposed
show examples
 to be
use
Replace the word
used
show examples
 for enhancing infrastructure quality. The most important thing that should be taken into
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consideration is the solutions. What the
government
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and foreign
provider
Fix the agreement mistake
providers
show examples
 can do is
promoting
Wrong verb form
promote
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
infrastructure equality, especially in
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 and social
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
. Another key point is deploying
external
Correct article usage
an external
show examples
 party to supervise the aid distribution. Since budget allocation will not be possible, as it is always under
state's
Correct article usage
the state's
show examples
 discretion,
Correct article usage
a third-party
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third-party
Use the right word
third party
show examples
 could be an option when it comes to
distribution
Correct article usage
the distribution
show examples
 process. In short, poverty and disease are solvable problems, especially with the help of wealthier nations.
However
Linking Words
, how the
government
Use synonyms
utilizing
Verb problem
utilises
show examples
 the money is something important to see.

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development
Add more clear link between each cause and its solution, with more detail on how funds reach the goal.
development
Give more examples or data to back points, such as names of programs or numbers.
organization
Work on flow by using more linking words and clear topic sentences in each paragraph.
grammar
Fix spelling and word choice mistakes to keep clear meaning.
focus
Keep to one main idea in each paragraph and stay on task.
content
There is a clear aim and stance in the essay.
structure
The writer tries to cover causes and ways to solve the problem.
coherence
Use of sign posts like First, Second, and In short shows some good cohesion.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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