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Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is this a positive or negative devlopment?

Hours Spent on Phones
Smartphones
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 have become our partners in daily life, and we carry them everywhere we go. When going to the office, we keep them in our pockets, and after arriving, we open them to contact our loved ones. On the way home, we may
use
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 our phones to listen to music or read e-books, and before going to sleep, we often check them one
last
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 time
even
Punctuation problem
, even
show examples
 when there are no notifications. Because of
this
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 habit, many people have become dependent on
smartphones
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.
This
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 raises an important question about the newest
generation
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, known as
Generation
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 Alpha or often nicknamed the "iPad Kids."
This
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 essay will discuss my experiences with social media and
children
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 in kindergarten and elementary school, including the positive and negative
effects
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 of
smartphones
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 and what the older
generation
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 can do to
guide
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 them. One benefit of
smartphones
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 is that they make life easier and improve communication with others.
However
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,
this
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 convenience can
also
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 create problems if not used wisely.
For
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example
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, a young mother may give her phone to her child because he cries
while
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 she cooks.
This
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 is not always wrong, but if she repeats
this
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 habit too often, the child may become dependent on the smartphone. With little supervision,
this
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 dependence can lead to negative outcomes.
This
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example
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 shows that many problems begin with simple situations in the family.
Instead
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 of always giving a phone,
parents
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 can calm
children
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 by talking to them, distracting them with stories, or playing together using toys
such
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 as puzzles or building blocks.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should stay calm and
guide
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children
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 patiently without relying too much on
smartphones
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.
However
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, the situation becomes more challenging when
children
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 are already addicted to
smartphones
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. In Indonesia, data shows that about 37.02% of
children
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 aged one to four and 58.25% of
children
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 aged five to six frequently
use
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smartphones
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 for long periods. These numbers make us wonder what causes
this
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 addiction. To understand
children
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 better,
parents
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 should ask questions
instead
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 of immediately forcing them to stop.
For
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example
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,
parents
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 can ask what
children
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 enjoy most when using their phones.
Children
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 may
use
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smartphones
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 because they feel bored, lonely, or want attention. After understanding the reasons,
parents
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 can replace screen time with healthier activities
such
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 as sports, drawing, reading, or social interaction.
Parents
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 should
also
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 explain both the negative and positive
effects
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 of
smartphones
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. Negative
effects
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 may include emotional problems, learning difficulties, and physical symptoms
such
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 as eye strain. Positive
effects
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 include access to information and opportunities for learning.
As a result
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, the older
generation
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 should
guide
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children
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 toward responsible smartphone
use
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.
Smartphones
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 have both positive and negative
effects
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 depending on how they are used. They play an important role in the lives of the younger
generation
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. Both
children
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 and adults should learn to
use
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smartphones
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 wisely. By setting a good
example
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, the older
generation
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 can
guide
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children
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 toward healthier and more balanced lives.

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content
Task response: The essay stays on topic and covers both sides, but the start and end could be clearer. State a clear view in the intro and restate it in the conclusion.
structure
Coherence and cohesion: The ideas flow, but some parts feel rushed. Use simple linking words like and, but, so, also, because. Make each paragraph have one main idea and finish with a line that links to the next.
language
Language and word choice: Try to use only common words from the top 100 list. Some long or less common words appear; keep to simple terms.
examples
Examples and proof: The data from Indonesia is good but add a short link to how it shows the point. Try to add small, clear proof for each idea.
conclusion
Conclusion: End with a short summary that restates the view and give a simple final thought.
strength
Clear idea that phones can be both good and bad when used well.
strength
Gives real steps for parents to guide kids.
strength
Has an orderly form: intro, body, and conclusion.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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