IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positve or a negative development?

There is no denying the fact that using
smartphones
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 is a crucial way to communicate with other people.
While
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 there is a commonly held belief that more and more
children
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 spend most of their
time
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 on
smartphones
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.
This
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 essay will discuss why
this
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 is happening and provide a clear view
whether
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of whether
show examples
this
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 behaviour is a positive or a negative development.
To begin
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 with, there are many reasons why
children
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 spend almost most of their
time
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 on their phones. One of the main reasons is that many members of society who are under eighteen years old want to use social media.
In other words
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, using social media platforms,
such
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 as Snapchat and Instagram, would allow easy communication with their friends.
In addition
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, a huge number of
children
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 play video games through the use of
smartphones
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.
For example
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, recent studies have shown that a large percentage of teenagers spend a substantial amount of
time
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 playing video games,
such
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 as Call of Duty and PUBG. In terms of the negative outcomes which are greater than the positives,
children
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's communication skills in the real world are decreasing over
time
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. It is
also
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 possible to say that when a young individual communicates frequently in the virtual world rather than face-to-face , his skills , like talking to his parents, will decrease over
time
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.
Moreover
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, identity theft is one of the common ways to steal things on the internet.
For instance
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, some countries like Australia have been setting restrictions on using
smartphones
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, especially for people under 18 years old, which is to prevent identity theft. In conclusion, there are many reasons why
children
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 should not be allowed to use phones, which contribute to a substantial decrease in their mental well-being.

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improvement
Plan your answer. Say your view at the start and keep it clear.
tip
Make one main idea in each paragraph. Start each with a clear topic sentence.
improvement
Add a balanced view. Mention both good and bad, and say what you think.
improvement
Give specific, simple examples. Use easy real life examples.
weakness
Check grammar and word form. Fix long or run sentences.
tip
Use linking words like and, but, also, so to tie ideas.
strength
The essay tries to answer the task with reasons and a view.
strength
There are clear paragraphs and a closing idea.
strength
Some examples from daily life (social media, games) are used.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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