IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph and table below show the average monthly temperatures and the average number of hours of sunshine per year in three major cities. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph illustrates the average monthly
temperatures
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the table shows the average annual
hours
Use synonyms
 of
sunshine
Use synonyms
 in three major
cities
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, New
York
Use synonyms
 is the city with the highest number of
hours
Use synonyms
 of
sunshine
Use synonyms
, and reaches its highest
temperatures
Use synonyms
 in July.
London
Use synonyms
 follows a similar pattern
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 its
hours
Use synonyms
 of
sunshine
Use synonyms
 are less than half of New
Use synonyms
York
Check wording
York's
show examples
.
Instead
Linking Words
, Sydney’s trend is the opposite, with
temperatures
Use synonyms
 that slowly decrease in July and rise in January and December,
nevertheless
Linking Words
 maintaining a consistent amount of
sunshine
Use synonyms
hours
Use synonyms
 yearly. At the beginning of the year, New
York
Use synonyms
 records its lowest
temperatures
Use synonyms
 (between 0-5 degrees). In March, they start to rise quickly, and in July, the Big Apple records a temperature of 30 degrees, which is the most elevated among the three
cities
Use synonyms
.
London
Use synonyms
 experiences a similar tendency
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 its lowest
temperatures
Use synonyms
 are higher than New
Use synonyms
York
Check wording
York's
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 its peak is less than 25 degrees.
In contrast
Linking Words
, Sydney’s data are the opposite: in January and in December the
temperatures
Use synonyms
 are significantly higher than the other two
cities
Use synonyms
 in the same period of time
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 they decrease in July. Even though
London
Use synonyms
 and New
York
Use synonyms
 have a similar annual pattern, they record different numbers of annual
hours
Use synonyms
 of
sunshine
Use synonyms
. There is a significant difference between the two
cities
Use synonyms
. New
York
Use synonyms
 has a total of 2535
hours
Use synonyms
, more than double that of
London
Use synonyms
 (1180).
Furthermore
Linking Words
, despite following a completely different trend of
temperatures
Use synonyms
, Sydney’s
hours
Use synonyms
 of
sunshine
Use synonyms
 are slightly less than New
Use synonyms
York
Check wording
York's
show examples
. (2473).

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 73%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words temperatures, hours, sunshine, cities, york, london with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • average
  • temperature
  • sunshine
  • monthly
  • annual
  • comparison
  • characteristics
  • detailed analysis
  • highest
  • lowest
  • examination
  • relationship
  • illustrate
  • patterns
  • rainfall
  • climate
  • considerable variation
  • significantly
  • notable
  • data representation
  • regional differences
  • yearly averages
What to do next:
Look at other essays: