IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some sports are extremely dangerous for those who play them. Why do people participate in such sports? What measures could they take to minimize the risk involved?

There is no gainsaying the fact that
sports
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 play an essential role in maintaining physical fitness and entertainment.
However
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, there are certain games that may involve a high level of risk and can be extremely harmful for those who play them.
Although
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 there are a multitude of
reasons
Use synonyms
 why
people
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 get attracted towards these games, certain praiseworthy steps can be taken to ameliorate the risk involved. To commence with, there are a plethora of
reasons
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 why individuals participate in risky
sports
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. The most significant reason is that these
sports
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 offer a lot of money and help players financially .
For example
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, Boxing is a well-known sport all around the world, and all the boxers usually receive prizes as money.
Hence
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, it helps them grow financially more stable and build a good lifestyle.
Therefore
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, many
people
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 get attracted towards these
sports
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.
Moreover
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, these
also
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 help
people
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 to build their own image all around the world. Sportspersons often travel to different places, and millions of
people
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 watch them.
Consequently
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, the sportsperson becomes famous in society. Despite all the
reasons
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 why
sports
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 are of great advantage, some
sports
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 can be life-threatening. Some decisive steps can be taken to reduce the risk in
such
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sports
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. The first and foremost solution is to provide proper protective equipment
while
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 conducting these
sports
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.
For instance
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, mouth guards to cover the teeth, helmets to cover the head and knee pads for the legs should be made mandatory for all the games that include physical activity. Another solution worth considering is that there should be strict regulations and harsh penalties for the players if they do not play
according to
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 the rules of the game and perform harmful stunts towards other players.
This
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 would help athletes to play properly and maintain safety during the game. In conclusion,
although
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people
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 participate in risky
sports
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 for
reasons
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such
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 as financial rewards and fame, the dangers associated with these activities cannot be ignored. By enforcing safety regulations and ensuring the use of protective equipment, the risks involved in
such
Linking Words
sports
Use synonyms
 can be greatly reduced.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. You explain why people do these sports and how to cut risk, but some ideas are a bit short.
task response
Give one more clear and real example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are too general. Try to explain how and why in a deeper way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words well, but do not use too many long phrases. Simple links like first, also, and as a result are enough.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one main idea and support for it. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You answer both questions in the task, so your response is complete.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: money, fame, safety gear, and rules.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because your paragraphs are in a good order.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion, and both fit the topic well.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adrenaline rush
  • thrill-seeking
  • physical and mental boundaries
  • peer pressure
  • media influence
  • cultural norms
  • livelihood
  • extensive training
  • state-of-the-art
  • safety equipment
  • governing bodies
  • regulations
  • supervision
  • risk assessment
  • emergency plans
  • minimize risks
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