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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first table below shows changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third tables show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhattan, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first table compares how New York's
overall
Linking Words
 population changes throughout 1800-2000,
while
Linking Words
 the two other tables inform how five districts (
Manhattan
Use synonyms
, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) contribute to the city's residents in both number and percentage. In general,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
group
Check wording
population
show examples
 of humans of New York had increased immensely in 2 centuries, which was
Manhattan
Use synonyms
formed
Wrong verb form
forming
show examples
 the most of
city's
Correct article usage
the city's
show examples
 residents in the early period, but
then
Linking Words
 shifted
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the four outer districts by the end. In 1800,
Use synonyms
Manhattan
Check wording
Manhattan's
show examples
 inhabitants
took up
Verb problem
numbered
show examples
 60.5 thousand, representing 76% of
metro's
Correct article usage
the metro's
show examples
 residents.
Although
Linking Words
 its actual number grew considerably to 1.5 thousand by 2000,
yet
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the percentage fell steeply by
margin
Correct article usage
a margin
show examples
 of 50%. In comparison, the initial number of four other regions was 18.7 thousand, contributing a quarter of
city's
Correct article usage
the city's
show examples
 inhabitants. After 200 years, their figures rose noticeably to 6.4 billion, forming threefold of their original proportions, making it the most populous
regions
Fix the agreement mistake
region
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 figure suggests that the population growth is mainly concentrated in areas outer
Manhattan
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words manhattan with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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