IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting a culture. Discuss both sides and give your opinions. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There are certain people
think
Correct pronoun usage
who think
show examples
 that tourism
revenue
Use synonyms
 will ruin
culture
Use synonyms
, but
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other people suggest that to protect a
culture
Use synonyms
, tourism is the only way. Nowadays, there are a lot of
cultures
Use synonyms
' marketing ideas
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
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 commercialised to cater to international
tourists
Use synonyms
 in order to
get
Verb problem
attract
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wide
Correct article usage
a wide
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 and different
tourists
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, when it comes to introducing Chinese traditional music to
tourists
Use synonyms
 from other countries, the Chinese traditional music
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
incorperated
Correct your spelling
incorporated
 with contemporary music styles as an attraction. Other than that, modern trends,
such
Linking Words
 as
Tik Tok
Use the right word
TikTok
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 trending dance and trending Instagram short story
Fix the agreement mistake
videos
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video
Punctuation problem
video,
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 are used to mix with different
cultures
Use synonyms
. Because of that, it may reduce the
authencity
Correct your spelling
authenticity
 of a particular
culture
Use synonyms
, in terms of history,
langauge
Correct your spelling
language
, tradition and so on.
In
Change preposition
On
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 the contrary, some people think that it is the only way and a great opportunity to introduce
cultures
Use synonyms
 to a wide
audience
Punctuation problem
audience,
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 as it will help to preserve
cultures
Use synonyms
 by passing
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 around the world.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 much more income to earn if one
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a wider audience,
then
Linking Words
 the
revenue
Use synonyms
 will help to uplift
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 economy of the community
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
culture
Use synonyms
 or the country. In my opinion, I think using
culture
Use synonyms
 to earn tourism
revenue
Use synonyms
 is one of the best ways to introduce it to another
culture
Use synonyms
, but without doing it excessively. With a better solution,
culture
Use synonyms
 will not only earn more
revenue
Use synonyms
 from
tourists
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct word choice
but it
show examples
 will
still
Rephrase
also still
show examples
 preserve what the
culture
Use synonyms
initially
Linking Words
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about both views, but each side needs more detail.
task response
Give a clearer opinion. Your view is there, but it should be strong and easy to see from the start and end.
task response
Use more clear examples. The music example is useful, but you need one more strong example for the other side.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to follow. Start each body part with one clear main point.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Some lines are hard to follow because too many ideas are in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point more. After each idea, add a short reason or result.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic.
task response
You give your own opinion in the last part.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, body ideas, and an ending.
task response
You use one real-world example about Chinese traditional music.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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