IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that professional sports players earn too much salary, especially when they do not seem to help peopleand societies the way people of other occupations such as doctors, teachers, and soldiers do. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There is an argument between people
think
Correct pronoun usage
who think
show examples
 that professional
sports
Use synonyms
players
Use synonyms
 earn too much
salary
Use synonyms
 if we comparted with more beneficial occupations
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
doctors
Use synonyms
, teachers, and soldiers
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay
agree
Correct subject-verb agreement
agrees
show examples
 with
this
Linking Words
 point
view
Change preposition
of view
show examples
, because
sports
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 no huge
effect
Use synonyms
 on society and young
generations
Punctuation problem
generations,
show examples
 most of them have a dream to be a
sports
Use synonyms
player
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 could
Use synonyms
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 the most important
jobs
Use synonyms
. Watching and paying
Use synonyms
sports
Change preposition
for sports
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 fun and
exited
Replace the word
exciting
 but
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 no
curial
Correct your spelling
crucial
effect
Use synonyms
 on
standard
Correct article usage
the standard
show examples
 of
life
Replace the word
living
. If there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 no
doctors
Use synonyms
 in our life we will have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
trouble
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 we can't live.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, living without
players
Use synonyms
 or
sports
Use synonyms
 has no essential
effect
Use synonyms
 on our
live
Replace the word
lives
. From that
by
Change preposition
,
show examples
 giving high
Use synonyms
salary
Check wording
salaries
show examples
 to less important
jobs
Use synonyms
 led people and
intelligent
Correct article usage
the intelligent
show examples
less
Verb problem
to be less
show examples
 motivated to there careers
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they may do a career shift to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
. For
instant
Use the right word
instance
show examples
, I have two of my cousin one is a doctor
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 the other is a football
player
Use synonyms
. The doctor was really
disappointment
Replace the word
disappointed
 about his
salary
Use synonyms
 after he
know
Wrong verb form
knew
show examples
 about the football
Use synonyms
player
Check wording
player's
show examples
salary
Use synonyms
 and he
decide
Wrong verb form
decided
show examples
 to leave the medical career and move to be a football
player
Use synonyms
. Young generations
those
Change preposition
in those
show examples
 days building there dream based on what they see on social media about
players
Use synonyms
salary
Use synonyms
 and they become less interested on most important occupations.
This
Linking Words
 led to
lower
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 effective
doctors
Use synonyms
, teachers, and soldiers. A study shows that there is 38% reduction in
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
doctors
Use synonyms
 and 47% of professors
teachers
Correct word choice
and teachers
show examples
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
. And
this
Linking Words
Linking Words
due
Verb problem
is due
show examples
 to two factors, one for joining AI since 2021,
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
 is
decrease
Correct article usage
the decrease
show examples
number
Change preposition
in the number
show examples
 of
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 interested in hard majors. In conclusion,
players
Use synonyms
those
Change preposition
in those
show examples
 days
having
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 more pays
then
Linking Words
 other
jobs
Use synonyms
 and
this
Linking Words
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a huge negative
effect
Use synonyms
 on the next generations. I think
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should put
this
Linking Words
 in front of
there ayes
Use the right word
their eyes
show examples
 and
planning
Wrong verb form
plan
show examples
 to balance between them. And encourage
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation to focus on
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
importance
Replace the word
important
jobs
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view very clear in the first part. Write: I agree, and keep this same view in all body parts.
task response
Add more clear support for each main idea. Explain how high pay for sports players can change job choice in a direct way.
task response
Use examples that sound real and fit the topic well. Your cousin story helps, but it needs more detail and clearer link to the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Group one main idea in each body part. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, such as First, Also, However, Because of this, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects to the one before it. Some parts jump too fast from one idea to another.
task response
You answered the question and gave a clear side: you agree that sports players are paid too much.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You tried to use an example and a study to support your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • justified
  • revenue
  • generate
  • advertisers
  • career span
  • compensation
  • entertainment
  • social cohesion
  • national pride
  • market dynamics
  • demand for skills
  • perceived societal value
  • inspire
  • engage
  • pursue
  • economic principles
  • essential services
  • salary structures
  • occupations
  • disparity
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