IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some say that secondary school should spend less time on traditional subjects such as history and should spend more time on communication skills and business courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree with it?

in the modern era. more and more people believe that
youngers
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young people
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 who
studie
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study
 in school should spend more time in
subjects
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 that will benefit them in the future,
such
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 as
business
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 courses and soft skills. In my opinion, I
completly
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completely
 agree with
this
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argue
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argument
 that
schools
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 must add
subjects
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 that introduce the youth to the future. On the one hand, some people believed that traditional
subjects
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 should be reduced and make more space for classes that open
mind
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minds
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 and encorage to critical thinking. In fact, when high
schools
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 added some
subject
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subjects
show examples
 that make youth engage to think out of the box or teach them briefly about
business
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,
this
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 will build
strong
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a strong
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 and
acadimic
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academic
 society.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 method will help the family
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due to
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by
show examples
 teaching each member in the family what they learned in
the
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apply
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high school. A study published
in
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by
show examples
 New York
university
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University
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 in 2018 concluded that 70% of students who graduate from
schools
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 that provide communication skills or
business
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 courses joined their
favorite
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favourite
show examples
 university.
On the other hand
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, other people argue that secondary
schools
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 should keep up with traditional
subjects
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.
Moreover
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, traditional
subjects
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 like math or history are
importatnt
Correct your spelling
important
 for students becuase it teach them
the understanding
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to understand
 the past of their
counry
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country
, dealing with numbers and
calculate
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calculating
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 complex matters.
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This
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These
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subjects
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also
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 teach them how to think, read, and judge ideas.
For example
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, when I was in high
school
Punctuation problem
school,
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 I learned a lot of things that I
don't
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didn't
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 understand
it after I joined King Abdulaziz univesity
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after I joined King Abdulaziz University
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.
As a result
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,
baisic
Correct your spelling
basic
subjects
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 are essential for students to learn and understand. In conclusion,
In
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in
show examples
 my opinion, I strongly agree with adding more communication and
business
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 lessons, but not by greatly
redusing
Correct your spelling
reducing
 the other essential classes,
such
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 as math, physics, history,
...etc
Punctuation problem
etc. Instead
show examples
, insteat
schools
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 can link
between
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apply
show examples
modern
subject
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subjects
show examples
 with traditional
subjects
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.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start and keep it the same all through the essay.
task response
Answer the question more directly by saying how far you agree, not only that both sides have value.
task response
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph and explain each one more fully.
task response
Give examples that are more direct and easy to trust. Personal examples can help, but explain them clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Put one clear topic sentence at the start of each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result, but do not overuse them.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence connects well to the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid jumps in meaning, for example from school subjects to family learning, unless you explain the link.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic, which helps answer the question.
task response
Your conclusion shows your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words such as on the one hand, furthermore, and as a result.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • traditional subjects
  • secondary school
  • communication skills
  • business courses
  • practical knowledge
  • general knowledge
  • balanced curriculum
  • critical thinking
  • money management
  • teamwork
  • prepare for work
  • adult life
  • core subjects
  • understand the past
  • speak clearly
  • write well
  • daily life
  • modern society
  • partly agree
  • to a certain extent
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