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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many parts of the world, shopping is no longer a way that people buy things that they need, and it has been developed into a fun activity. What are the reasons for this development? Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Throughout the globe, the activity of shopping has evolved into a mode of entertainment. There are a variety of causes behind
this
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 development, and
this
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 has various adverse consequences, which will be
captivated
Verb problem
discussed
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 in the forthcoming paragraphs
along with
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 the conclusion
at the end
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. There are tremendous reasons behind why shopping has turned into a fun activity worldwide; the foremost one is associated with the enhanced living standard of the citizens. The folks want to win the race of success;
as a result
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, they strive to work hard, which has heightened their standard of
living
Punctuation problem
living,
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 that results into frequent shopping from various supermarkets and online stores to quench their thirst. To cite an example, in India, affluent
people
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, nowadays, purchase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various products just for mental satisfaction,
instead
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 of making purchases as per their requirements.
Hence
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, shopping has become a mode of entertainment in the world. Making purchases in order to entertain themselves has
put
Verb problem
had
show examples
 negative consequences
to
Change preposition
for
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 the financial condition of
families
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 on society, as buying items without any need
outcomes
Check wording
results
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 in form of overspending, which somewhere tighten the
economical
Replace the word
economic
 condition of the
families
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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,
this
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 sort of activity of rich
people
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 is imitated by the middle-class
families
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, resulting in
lower
Correct article usage
a lower
show examples
living standard
Correct word order
standard of living
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society because they live beyond their means.
For example
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, in states like Punjab, famous singers or
people
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 do the luxurious shopping for entertainment, which is copied by the middle-class
families
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;
therefore
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, it makes them poorer, and they suffer from a cash crunch. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it is a good idea for wealthy
people
Use synonyms
 to make purchases for fun, its demerits to
families
Use synonyms
 and societies cannot be neglected.
Thus
Linking Words
, everyone should bear in mind their income before spending lavishly on items.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. You explain the reasons well, but your view is not fully clear until the end.
task response
Make your main opinion clear in the introduction. Say early if this is positive or negative.
task response
Give more direct and real examples. Some examples are general and not fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph plan, which is good. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, but a few ideas are hard to follow because of long sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point with one clear explanation and one simple example.
task response
You answer the topic and discuss both the reasons and the effects.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The second paragraph has a clear main idea about money and family life.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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