IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree

In the contemporary era, there is considerable debate regarding whether medical treatments and cures are more vital than preventative measures.
Although
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 taking
initiatives
Correct word choice
initial
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 steps at a very early stage can reduce the financial burden on the government, I contend that certain illnesses still require appropriate medication and
treaments
Correct your spelling
treatments
 for a full recovery. On the one hand, one of the prominent reasons why the prevention of health problems is crucial is that the health system is fully funded by
authorities
Correct article usage
the authorities
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 in some countries. Proactive measures are usually less expensive
as compared to
Correct word choice
than
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 clinical treatment;
therefore
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, investing in early intervention ensures that the government have to allocate its limited funds efficiently.
On the other hand
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, I contend that treatment and medicine are indispensable.
This
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 is because many medical conditions,
such
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 as genetic disorders
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and sudden injuries from
accidents
Punctuation problem
accidents,
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 cannot be recovered
by
Change preposition
from with
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 a lifestyle change. Modern surgery and medications are the only way to ensure a
fully
Replace the word
full
 recovery.
For example
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, cancer is a disease
,
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apply
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 which neither can detect earlier nor
recover
Wrong verb form
recovered
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 from
lifestyle
Change preposition
with lifestyle
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 changes.
Such
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 conditions require
specialized treaments
Correct your spelling
specialised treatments
 and medicines for a long term.
To conclude
Linking Words
, even though proactive steps can reduce the financial
requiements
Correct your spelling
requirements
 for authorities, I believe that some conditions cannot be solved unless proper
treaments
Correct your spelling
treatments
 and medicines are
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
given to people.

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task response
Give a more clear answer to the question. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this same view all through the essay.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Add one or two more clear lines to explain why prevention or treatment should get money.
task response
Use examples that are correct and easy to trust. The cancer example is not fully true because some cancers can be found early.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas more smoothly. Some parts jump fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Check grammar in key topic sentences because small errors make the meaning less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear paragraph focus. Your first body paragraph is about cost, but you can explain the result for public health more.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, so the essay is easy to follow.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
task response
You use a relevant example about cancer to support your point.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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