IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that old buildings, such as town halls and art galleries, should be restored, even though this can be costly. Others argue that governments should replace them with new, modern buildings. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Few people believe that ancient infrastructures,
such
Linking Words
 as art galleries and town halls, must be redeveloped even if it comes with great cost.
While
Linking Words
 others argue
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that
instead
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should replace old buildings with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern designs. In my opinion, old infrastructures should be remodified and kept as
it is
Fix the agreement mistake
they are
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 we will discuss both views,
then
Linking Words
 come to a suitable conclusion. On the one hand, art galleries and town halls were handed over to us by our ancestors. They still preserve the traditional concepts and values in them. Even though modifying an art gallery would demand
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
 of money and time,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it will still give
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 ray of
connect
Replace the word
connection
 to our ancient traditions whenever we visit.
For example
Linking Words
, town halls can be converted into museums, which could be used as a tourist attraction
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
this
Linking Words
 will
also
Linking Words
 generate money
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be used by the
government
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some believe that
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 should demolish old buildings and that space should be used for infrastructure with modern concepts
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will help the nation to develop faster.
For instance
Linking Words
, that space could be used to make shopping malls, which can be used by everyone and
also
Linking Words
 offers variety of shopping options just under one roof. Another point is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it can be used
make
Verb problem
to make
show examples
 schools for children, resulting
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 better education. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 the advantages of making new buildings are more than keeping the old ones. I believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 redeveloping them will help the
government
Use synonyms
 to encourage the ancient traditions and concepts, even when it comes with extra cost.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both sides more fully. The view for new buildings needs more detail.
task response
Give your opinion in a very clear way from start to end.
task response
Use examples that feel more real and direct.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to follow with clear topic sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like on the one hand, on the other hand, for example, and therefore.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid extra words and repeated ideas, because they make the meaning less clear.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some clear linking words to move from one idea to the next.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: