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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion?

It is widely considered to provide learning related
activities
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 to children
while
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 they are having
a
Correct article usage
apply
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free
time
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.
While
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 some people defend that it might be beneficial to their education if their
time
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 is not wasted with other tasks, others argue that it is essential for a
child
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 to have spare
time
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 to develop
skills
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 they want to and create meaningful childhood memories
while
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 playing. There are relevant
skills
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 for a
child
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 to acquire when they
are having a
Wrong verb form
have
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 leisure
time
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. It is
very
Rephrase
apply
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essential to analyse the contributions of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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time
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 off to a
child
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 who has been learning during daytime and provide the opportunity
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 task choice to them.
In addition
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, a
child
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 is able to develop independence
skills
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 through the process of choosing the
activities
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 they want to perform.
Furthermore
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, simple
activities
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such
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 as drawing or playing with blocks can substantially help the development of creativity
skills
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,
for example
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.
Moreover
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, a
child
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 should
also
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 enjoy their childhood and create memories that will be carried
to their
Change preposition
into
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 adulthood. The
time
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 spent completing educational
activities
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 will make a significant difference to a
child
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’s academic knowledge.
However
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, it is vital to fully develop social
skills
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 and collect memorable moments as a
child
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. A soccer match with their parents will have a high impact on their mindset in the future
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
this
Linking Words
 activity can bond their relationship and create relevant thoughts.
To conclude
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,
although
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 it is seen as essential to include educational
activities
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 as recreation to improve knowledge and maintain their academic
skills
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, I would argue that the contribution of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proper free
time
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 where a
child
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 can choose what they want is more relevant to their development and learning process. Parents should
be addressed to
Verb problem
address
show examples
 these issues and provide a balanced spare
time
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 combining academic tasks with entertaining
activities
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.

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task response
Make your opinion more clear in the introduction. Say your view in a direct way.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your main idea. This will make your answer stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are good, but a few sentences are hard to follow. Keep each point simple and clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Sometimes the flow is not smooth because the sentence is too long.
coherence and cohesion
Put the main idea at the start of each body paragraph. This helps the reader follow your essay easily.
task response
You answered the question and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You used examples like drawing, blocks, and soccer to explain your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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