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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

some people believe that loss of animals and plants as major environmental issue while others think that there are other major environmental problems. what is your opinion?

In the contemporary era, environmental degradation has become a concerning issue in some parts of the globe. There is considerable debate regarding whether either the extinction of flora and fauna or other environmental problems ,
such
Linking Words
 as
pollution
Use synonyms
, is the most pressing issue.
To begin
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 with, some proponents of the view argue that the depletion of vegetation and wildlife can lead to a loss in our ecosystem and soil degradation. Many crops are heavily dependent on bees and other pollinators;
similarly
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,
tress
Correct your spelling
trees
 act like an underground net, which holds soil for crop yields.
Hence
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, global food security is
the
Change preposition
at
show examples
 risk without them.
For example
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, honey bees are important to boost cotton lint weight, seed set, and
fiber
Change the spelling
fibre
show examples
. Without them, the crop is not feasible. In
this
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 perspective, plants and animals should be protected. On the one hand, I contend that some environmental predicaments,
such
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 as
pollution
Use synonyms
, contribute to climate change, global warming, and the deterioration of human health.
This
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 is because not only can vehicles, factories, and multinational
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
show examples
 emit obnoxious gases in the atmosphere, but they can
also
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 release contaminated
water
Use synonyms
 in the ocean, lakes, and rivers.
This
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 leads to a rise in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
atmospheric
pollution
Use synonyms
 and
water
Use synonyms
 contamination, endangering the entire ecosystem. To illustrate, in India, people who live near
Ganga
Correct article usage
the Ganga
show examples
 River experience health-related problems,
such
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 as skin cancer
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and other diseases
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due
Punctuation problem
, due
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 to drinking and bathing in the polluted
water
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
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, even though a decline in plants and animals can affect our ecosystem and soil, I believe that other environmental impediments,
such
Linking Words
 as
pollution
Use synonyms
, are more crucial to prevent the existence
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the earth. Ultimately, if we solve the
water
Use synonyms
 and air
pollution
Use synonyms
, we can save the lives of flora and fauna.

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task response
Make your opinion more clear in the introduction. Say early that you think pollution is the bigger problem.
task response
Add one more short reason for why pollution is the main issue. This will make your answer more full.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are good, but a few lines are not fully clear. Use shorter sentences and simpler links.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph order. 'On the one hand' is not the best link here because you do not give two equal sides.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point end with a direct result. This helps the reader follow your line of thought.
task response
You answer both views and give your own opinion.
task response
You use examples like bees and the Ganga River to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas move in a logical order from cause to result.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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