IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

You took an elderly member of your family, who was not able to walk properly, to a museum and he/she faced a few problems. Write a letter to the manager of the museum. In your letter, say why you visited the museum describe the problems you faced suggest what can be done to avoid those problems

Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with your museum. I went to the museum yesterday, because I am really into watching a lot of art.
Also
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, I am a painter, so I could get a new perspective and idea through seeing the new arts. Actually, I am disabled, so I cannot walk without a wheelchair or support from my family. When we visited your museum, I could not find any support items like an elevator.
That is
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 why we were struggling to go upstairs.
In addition
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, the corridor was so narrow
,
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 that I had to be careful not to bump into someone or some displays. I would like you to make a way which is easy and safe to pass. If you could accept my idea, it would be very helpful and useful for the people who have the disabillty. I would appreciate it if you could deal with
this
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 problem as soon as possible. Yours sincerely, Kazuya Nakagawa

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task response
For task response: say more clearly that you took an old family member to the museum. Now it sounds like you talk about yourself, so the answer does not fully match the task.
task response
For task response: explain the problems with a bit more detail, such as where the stairs were and how hard it was for your family member.
task response
For task response: your ideas to fix the problem are good, but add one more clear step, like wider halls, more lifts, or staff help.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your letter has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good. To make it better, link ideas with simple words like also, because, so, and finally.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: keep the same subject through the letter. You start with your visit, but later it is not always clear if the problem was for you or your elderly family member.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: one paragraph for one main point is mostly done well, but the first paragraph can focus more on why you visited with your family member.
task response
For task response: you answered all three parts of the task: why you visited, what problems you faced, and what can be done.
task response
For task response: the tone is polite and fits a formal letter.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: the letter is easy to follow and the order of ideas is clear.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: the greeting and closing are correct for a formal letter.
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