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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that student benefits from going to private secondary schools. Others, however, feel that private schools can have a negative effect on society as a whole. Discuss both the views and give your own opinion

Nowadays, it is a privilege for the parents to have the option of which
type
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 of school they want their kids to
go
Verb problem
attend
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.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
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 think
students
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 can benefit more from going to private secondary
schools
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, others think that those
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type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of
schools
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 do not prepare the
students
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 for the real world.
This
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 essay has the aim to discuss both points of view and which one can be more accurate. On one hand, one crucial point of going to private
secundary
Correct your spelling
secondary
schools
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 can be the
personalize
Replace the word
personalised
 attention
per part of the
Change preposition
from
show examples
 teachers to their
students
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.
For example
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, in
this
Linking Words
type
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 of
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schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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 there is a
less
Correct word choice
smaller
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 number of
students
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 in each class, so the teacher can have a more
personalized
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personalised
show examples
 attention to every
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students
Fix the agreement mistake
student's
show examples
 needs.
Furthermore
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, private
schools
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 are
ver
Correct your spelling
very
 well known for their good networking,
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this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can be a crucial point for the
students
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 to get an eassier access to better colleges or internships in the future.
On the other hand
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,
students
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 can be very hermitized in
this
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 private education environment, which can lead to a harder mindset of dealing with
real world
Correct your spelling
real-world
 challenges in the future. By private
students
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 not
socializing
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socialising
show examples
 with all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
people
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 in their everyday life, it will make it harder for them to have good skills to relate with all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
people
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.
For instance
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, it can be seen in
a
Correct article usage
an
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 office group work that
people
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 who went to private secondary
schools
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 and had a limited connection to other
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type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
people
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, they end up having a challenger integrate mindset and a
worst
Replace the word
worse
 group connection to achieve the tasks. All things considered, I strongly believe social skills are the key to being able to be a successful person.
That is
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 why even though private
schools
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 are a good investment, public
schools
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 can
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 way more benefits for the
students
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 to face the real problems of the world.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. Your view is clear, but the bad side of private school is stronger than the good side.
task response
Add one more clear idea for each side, and explain it in a simple way.
task response
Your examples are helpful, but some are too general. Use one clear and real example.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, like 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand', but some sentences are hard to follow. Make them shorter.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each paragraph has one main idea and that every sentence supports it.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraphing.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • infrastructure
  • resources
  • personalized attention
  • qualified
  • experienced
  • specialized programs
  • socioeconomic inequality
  • disparities
  • resource allocation
  • educational segregation
  • social cohesion
  • advanced placement courses
  • International Baccalaureate programs
  • extracurricular activities
What to do next:
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