IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As the world has become technologically advanced, computer are replacing more jobs that maybe lose because of computer. Discuss at least one problem this topic essay and giving example.

As the world becomes increasingly technologically advanced, computers and automation are replacing more and more jobs that were traditionally performed by humans.
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while
Fix capitalization
While
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this
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 development brings greater efficiency and
productively
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productivity
, it
also
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 gives rise to several serious problems.
one
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One
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 of the most significant
consequesces
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consequences
 is rising unemployment, which can have profound social and economic
implication
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implications
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.
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firstly
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Firstly
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, the
automotion
Correct your spelling
automation
 of tasks previously carried out by humans disproportionately affects
workers
Use synonyms
 with limited
digical
Correct your spelling
digital
 skills or lower educational qualifications.
For example
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, routine clerical work, data entry, and certain manufacturing roles can now be performed more quickly and accurately by machines.
Consequently
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.
Punctuation problem
,
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 a growing number of individuals may lose their livelihoods, leading to financial instability and increased reliance on social welfare systems.
In addition
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, the displacement of
workers
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 can exacerbate income
ineuality
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inequality
, as those with advanced technical expertise or the ability to adapt to new technologies are more likely to benefit from the digital revolution.
Futhermore
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Furthermore
, the society impace of
such
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umemployment
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unemployment
 should not be underestimated. High levels of joblessness can lead to reduced consumer spending, which in turn slows economic growth.
Moveover
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Moreover
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, prolonged unemployment often results in psychological stress, low self-esteem, and even social unrest, particularly in regions where
alternatives
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alternative
 employment
opportunties
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opportunities
 are limited. To address these challenges, the essay suggests that governments and
organizations
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organisations
show examples
 should provide retraining programs and educational initiatives. By developing digital skills and transferable abilities,
workers
Use synonyms
 can adapt to new roles in the modern economy.
Furthermore
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, promoting job creation in sectors less affected by automation,
such
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 as healthcare, education, and creative industries, can help reduce unemployment. In conclusion,
although
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 technology brings many benefits, it
also
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 creates significant problems.
However
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, with proper planning and education, societies can help
workers
Use synonyms
 adjust to changes in the job market.

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task response
Answer all parts of the task more clearly. You talk about one main problem well, but you can make the task link even more direct in the first body part.
task response
Give one more clear and real example. You mention office work and factory work, but one fuller example would make your point stronger.
task response
Develop each idea a bit more. Some points are good, but a few need one more line of explanation.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words between ideas. Most parts connect well, but some jumps are a bit fast.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph flow. A few sentences would be stronger if the topic sentence and support were more closely linked.
coherence and cohesion
Fix small punctuation and sentence-start errors because they can make the flow less smooth.
task response
You clearly introduce the topic and give a main position in the first paragraph.
task response
You explain one key problem in a relevant way and stay on topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are grouped into clear paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion is clear and matches the main ideas in the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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