IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problem as a result of eating to much fast food. It is neccesary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food To what extent do you agree or disagree

It is argued that authorities need to increase
tax
Check wording
taxes
show examples
 on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 as many people are suffering from
health
Use synonyms
 issues in some nations. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, as making unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 less affordable will lower the demand and help in restoring
consumer's stealth
Check wording
consumers' health
show examples
, and
also
Linking Words
 will help in reducing
diseases
Use synonyms
. By increasing
tax
Check wording
taxes
show examples
,
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
 of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 will
also
Linking Words
 increase. A recent news article reported that 50% of America's population
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 on a daily basis.
This
Linking Words
 is only because
such
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 is easily available and affordable for them. If the prices of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 were to soar, many people would
then
Linking Words
 refrain from buying and consuming them, and would
then
Linking Words
 gradually shift to other healthier options and save their
health
Use synonyms
 from
further
Linking Words
 worsening.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of fast
food
Use synonyms
 available today contain high risk of
health
Use synonyms
 problems. They contain hazardous preservatives and ingredients which are extremely dangerous for the digestive system and
overall
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
. Many
cancerous
Correct word choice
cancer-causing
show examples
 ingredients are nowadays found in many
food
Use synonyms
 items, like ramen, bacon, and majorly burger patties
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 are sold by fast-
food
Use synonyms
 chains. Consuming
such
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 on an everyday basis will lead to
diseases
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as kidney
stone
Check wording
stones
show examples
, stomach cancer, obesity, etc.
Thus
Linking Words
, by making
such
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 more expensive, people would tend to buy it less and save themselves and their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 from
such
Linking Words
 harmful
diseases
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I agree with the argument that
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 officials should impose higher tax rates on unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 so as to increase its
price
Punctuation problem
price,
show examples
 as
this
Linking Words
 will lead to lower demand and
also
Linking Words
 witness
lesser
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 problems and
diseases
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Write your main idea in a more exact way. Say clearly why you agree, and keep this same line in all body parts.
task response
Add one more clear example with real detail. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to trust.
task response
Be careful with some ideas that are too broad, like saying many foods cause cancer. Use safer and more exact support.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some lines feel like a list. Use clear words like because, so, as a result, and however.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear plan: main idea, explanation, example, result.
coherence and cohesion
Check word use and small grammar mistakes, because they can make the flow less clear.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give your opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
Most main points support your opinion and stay on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow in most parts.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: