IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 1.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this notion.

There is an argument that music is good for gathering
people
Use synonyms
 of various cultures and ages together. I believe that music can be a great means for getting together
people
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will support the argument and give my opinion. Music has
power
Correct article usage
the power
show examples
 to move
people
Use synonyms
's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 and gather
people
Use synonyms
 around the world. In
recent
Correct article usage
a recent
show examples
 case, BTS came back after their military
sevice
Correct your spelling
service
 and held a concert in the middle of Seoul. The concert gets tens of
thousand
Fix the agreement mistake
thousands of
show examples
 fans from other countries
as well as
Linking Words
 Koreans.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the concert was on air via Netflix, which was watched by over 15
millions of
Check wording
million
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Write one more body part and a short end part. This will make your answer full.
task response
Say more about why music brings old and young people together, not only people from many countries.
task response
Give a clear answer to 'to what extent' and keep this same view all through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words like 'First', 'Also', and 'In the end' to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea its own part. Now the essay is too short and ideas stop too soon.
coherence and cohesion
Support your example with one more line that explains how it proves your point.
task response
The essay has a clear start and your view is easy to see.
task response
You use a real example about a music group, and it fits the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are easy to follow in the short text.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: