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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, childre3n are often told that they can achieve anything if they try enough. What are the advanatges and disadvantages of giving children this message

In
this
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 modern era, achieving goal has become extremely difficult for individual,
while
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 in some culture people often suggest their children that if they work with enough efforts, they can achieve their goals or dreams. In
this
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 essay, an attempt will be made to examine both perspectives of giving
this
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 message to
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
. On the
one
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 hand, there are many benefits associated with
this
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 statement.
This
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 message can encourage young
once
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people
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 to be strong and make them feel full of hope.
For instance
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, children can show more courage if they fail
one
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 time. They can attempt
one
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 more time
instead
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 of giving up easily.
This
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 can broaden
one
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's intellectual and personal horizon.
Moreover
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, young learner can increase their career prospect by walking on
this
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 path. They will learn how to mitigate every challenge, how time
and
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,
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 patience and practice will help to achieve their academic
as well as
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 personal goals.
In other words
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, in young age
if
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, if
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 they learned to give up on every task they fail
than
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, then
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 they will not be self-reliant.
On the other hand
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, putting too
many efforts
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much effort
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 can create
a
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apply
show examples
pressure on
young
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a young
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 mind. Even trying so hard in
this
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 competitive
generation
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generation,
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 students can face failure.
Instead
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 of trying
again
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again,
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 they may blame themselves, which can hurt their emotions, and it can
also
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 affect
to
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apply
show examples
their mental well-being.
Future more
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Furthermore
,
this
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 action will create
negative
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a negative
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 impact.
it
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It
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 will make them
to
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apply
show examples
think that they are not good enough. To recapitulate, it is evident that the main merit of giving
such
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 instructions can help them to perform well in their academic
as well as
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 personal life,
while
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 sometimes it can create pressure on
brilliant
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a brilliant
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 mind. Having considered both
side
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sides
show examples
 thoroughly, I have personally come to believe that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say what is good and what is bad, and explain each one fully.
task response
Use one clear main idea in each body paragraph. Then add a simple reason or example.
task response
Your ideas are mostly on topic, but some points are too general. Add one real and clear example.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, but a few are wrong or not natural. Use simple links like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Make your sentences connect more smoothly. Some parts are hard to follow because of word form and grammar mistakes.
task response
You answered the question and talked about both advantages and disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present, which helps the essay feel complete.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into paragraphs in a clear way.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve a goal
  • work hard
  • make an effort
  • full of hope
  • self-belief
  • grow in confidence
  • keep going
  • give up
  • learn from failure
  • face pressure
  • mental health
  • sense of failure
  • real life limits
  • support from family
  • equal chance
  • natural ability
  • high expectations
  • positive message
  • harmful pressure
  • balanced view
What to do next:
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