IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Advertising aimed at children should be banned. To what extend do youagree or disagree? to what extend do you agree or disagree? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own know ledge and experience

Nowadays, people see different kinds of
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 on
TV
Use synonyms
, including
the one
Fix the agreement mistake
those
show examples
that
Linking Words
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 especially made for
children
Use synonyms
. Personally, advertising aimed at
children
Use synonyms
 should be banned completely
no
Punctuation problem
, no
show examples
 matter the
circustances
Correct your spelling
circumstances
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will state two main reasons why
TV
Use synonyms
advertisement
Check wording
advertisements
show examples
 for minors should be
prohibitted
Correct your spelling
prohibited
. One of
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
 reasons is strictly directed to the influence that
TV
Use synonyms
provokes
Verb problem
has
show examples
 on
children
Use synonyms
. Youngsters
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 do not fully comprehend the
objetive
Correct your spelling
objective
 of ads. Songs,
bight
Correct your spelling
bright
 colours and cartoons can easily target
children
Use synonyms
's attention.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are not conscious
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the nutrients they need for their correct mental and physical development.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who might feel attracted to a certain colour or cartoon figure are likely to ask for a certain type of cereal advertised on
TV
Use synonyms
 if that cartoon is on the cover of the cereal box. In consequence,
parents
Use synonyms
 could feel the pressure on what food to buy to avoid tantrums at the local supermarket. Another compelling reason is that most of the advertisement aimed at
children
Use synonyms
 is usually related to food high in sugar or fat.
While
Linking Words
 these kinds of issues continue happening without control, schools and
parents
Use synonyms
 should work
aligned
Replace the word
in alignment
 to require special protection
form
Use the right word
from
show examples
 the government or
ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
show examples
 of
health
Fix capitalization
Health
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, many countries in Europe or South America have agreed on removing logos and cartoons that might be
appealling
Correct your spelling
appealing
 to
children
Use synonyms
 of different ages.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 do not have any particular attraction for a product
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
instead
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are the ones in charge of providing a
health
Replace the word
healthy
 diet by choosing what
might
Correct pronoun usage
they might
show examples
 consider
appropiate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 companies could advertise products for
children
Use synonyms
, governments should work on finding strategies that could provide
parents
Use synonyms
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 power
of making
Wrong verb form
to make
show examples
 the decision of what to buy every day for their
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task response: Your opinion is clear, but the last part is a bit different from your main view. You say ads should be banned completely, but in the end you say companies could still advertise products for children. Keep one clear view from start to end.
task response
Task response: Answer all parts of the question in a more direct way. Write clearly how far you agree, and keep this same answer in each paragraph.
task response
Task response: Your ideas are good, but some examples are too general. Add one more clear and real example to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end, so the shape is good.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some linking is good, but a few ideas are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice mistakes. Use shorter sentences to make your meaning easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Make sure each body paragraph has one main idea, then explain it, then give an example. This will make your writing more easy to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction.
task response
You have two main reasons, and both are on topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'Additionally', 'Therefore', 'For example', and 'As a result'.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • aimed at children = made to attract children
  • ban = stop by law
  • influence = affect the way people think or act
  • pressure on parents = a strong feeling that parents must buy something
  • consumer culture = a way of life focused on buying things
  • misleading = giving a false idea
  • brand loyalty = liking one brand from a young age
  • junk food = food that is unhealthy
  • sugary snacks = sweet food with a lot of sugar
  • eating habits = the usual way people eat
  • health problems = illness or bad effects on the body
  • strict control = strong rules
  • complete ban = total stop
  • educational products = things that help children learn
  • media literacy = the skill of understanding media messages
  • vulnerable = easy to harm or influence
  • public health = the health of people in society
  • protect young minds = keep children safe from harmful ideas
  • pester parents = keep asking parents to buy something
  • regulate advertising = control ads by rules
What to do next:
Look at other essays: