The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010 . Summaries the information by selecting and reporting in the main features, make comparisons where relevant .

The graph illustrates the mens proportion in senior development in three Tech Corporation from 1980 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it appears that
Apple
Use synonyms
Fluctuated and had the Flattest
evolution
Punctuation problem
evolution,
show examples
while
Linking Words
IBM and Microsoft, which
stands
Correct subject-verb agreement
stand
show examples
out with the most remarkable growth between 2000 and 2010
specially
Rephrase
, especially
show examples
IBM, consistently rose. Regarding
Apple
Use synonyms
, the figures started around 15%, decreased
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
a few
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
in the next decade, increased over 20% in 1995,
then
Linking Words
slightly dropped in 2000 before going up again to its highest rate of approximatively 25% in 2010.
In Contrast
Linking Words
, the two other companies had a steady growth.
Microsoft
Check wording
Microsoft's
show examples
rate climbed
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
2 to 3
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
per cent
show examples
every 5 years until 15% in 2000
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
before
triple
Replace the word
tripling
and
overtake
Wrong verb form
overtaking
show examples
Apple
Use synonyms
in 2010. IBM had the most significant growth
overtaking
Punctuation problem
, overtaking
show examples
microsoft
Fix capitalization
Microsoft
show examples
in the early ninety's and
Apple
Use synonyms
in the middle Ninety's
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
a quarter of men involved in
senior's
Check wording
senior
show examples
development, a third in 2000 and just under
two thirds
Correct your spelling
two-thirds
in 2010
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
is the top rate recorded of all companies.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Vocabulary: Replace the words apple with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 3 times.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage participation
  • senior development roles
  • observed trends
  • notable increases/decreases
  • significant changes
  • consistency over time
  • influencing factors
  • industry shifts
  • socio-economic factors
  • comparison of data
  • similarities and differences
  • overall trends
  • implications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: