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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, more and more children play computer games. Why do you think this is the case? Is it a positive or negative development?

In our generation today
the
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, the
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 use of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technologies,
internet
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the internet
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 and playing
games
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 can affect us all, especially
the
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apply
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young
children
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the good and bad sides of it.
To begin
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 with, youngsters are the
one
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ones
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 who spend a lot
time
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of time
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 using mobile devices, and playing video
games
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 is one of
it
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them
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. One of the
reason
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reasons
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 is
when
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that when
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children
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 are
bored
Punctuation problem
bored,
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 they tend to use the gadgets to play.
For instance
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, when the whole family is out for dinner to eat,
children
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became
Wrong verb form
become
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 bored and
do
Verb problem
throw
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 tantrums.
Therefore
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,
where
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when
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 the parents can’t stop
them
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them,
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 they let their
kids
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 play
games
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 online.
Furthermore
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, the
freewill
Correct your spelling
free will
 that parents
gives
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give
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 to them can cause harm and sometimes can take advantage of it.
In addition
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 to that, the positive sign of playing video
games
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children
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 can have a sharp mind. They will be good
in
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at
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 solving problems and their logic will improve. As well, they can catch up to the latest technologies and understand the modern world. The bad side is that it can make the physical health of
kids
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to get
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apply
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worse,
illness
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illnesses
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 like obesity and headaches will always occur.
Hence
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, a result of being introverted and afraid to talk to people.
Also
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,
children
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 will not
going
Verb problem
be going
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 to interact with other
kids
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 to play and make beautiful childhood memories.
To conclude
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,
this
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 is a negative result if parents
will
Wrong verb form
do
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 not guide their
children
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 properly. Having limitations for playing computer
games
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 is a must so that
kids
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 can still enjoy their youthful life with the right communication skills and interaction with other people.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Say clearly why children play games more now, and say your opinion early: mostly negative or mostly positive.
coherence and cohesion
Give more clear main ideas in each body part. One body part can be about reasons, and one body part can be about positive and negative effects.
task response
Use examples that are more specific. One family dinner example is good, but add one more real and clear example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with words like first, also, however, as a result, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence supports the main point. Some ideas are a bit mixed, so the reader may get lost.
task response
You answered the full question and talked about both good and bad sides.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You used an example about children at dinner, which helps explain your idea.
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