IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Health experts claim that walking is knowm to be beneficial to health. However, people are walking less on a daily bassis. what are the reasons for this? what can be done to encourage people to walk more again?

Recently, the health consultants
give an
Wrong verb form
have given
show examples
 evidence that walking can improve
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
general well-being,
such
Linking Words
 as
improves
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 blood circulation and
protect
Wrong verb form
protecting
show examples
 the
body
Use synonyms
 against diseases.
However
Linking Words
, the level of activities reduced significantly comparing the previous decade. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain what
is the common risk factor
Correct word order
the common risk factor is
show examples
 and what
is the optimum plan
Correct word order
the optimum plan is
show examples
 to solve
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon. On the one hand, living in
technology
Correct article usage
the technology
show examples
 era
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 to offers convenience option of transportation services.
People
Use synonyms
 become fully independent on the automated car, motorbikes and other public transportation
method
Fix the agreement mistake
methods
show examples
, even in the near
destination
Fix the agreement mistake
destinations
show examples
. The modern transformation
lead
Wrong verb form
has led
show examples
 to
lower
Correct article usage
a lower
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
level of physical effort.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the rate of obesity related disorder raised in the community.
Moreover
Linking Words
, digital entertainment,
such
Linking Words
 as TV, video games and social media motivate individuals to sit for extended hours without minimal physical movement.
According to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent studies published by
American
Correct article usage
the American
show examples
 Heart Association proven that 80% of
people
Use synonyms
 who
is complying
Correct subject-verb agreement
comply
show examples
 with walking at least 30 minutes per day are
medical
Replace the word
medically
 free.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, support the
people
Use synonyms
 and facilitate the walking exercise by improving the
traditionally
Replace the word
traditional
facility
consider as
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 a game changer. In other
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
, build a safe place to practice walking
like
Change preposition
, such as
show examples
 special pathways, parks, and long marathon side line allows community to go outside and move their
body
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 have an edge over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society to create
social
Correct article usage
a social
show examples
 campaign
aims
Wrong verb form
aimed
show examples
 to target
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
all ages of
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 about the substantial
effect
Check wording
effects
show examples
 of walking
power
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, the
states
Correct subject-verb agreement
state
show examples
of Saudi Arabia proposed
establish
Wrong verb form
establishing
show examples
 a walking club in the public area to promote
the citizen
Check wording
citizens
show examples
 to practice walking
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 groups with
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 target
miles
Change preposition
of miles
show examples
. After one month, the commission
find
Wrong verb form
found
show examples
 positive
outcome
Check wording
outcomes
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as lower
body
Use synonyms
 index, less stress and
improve the
Replace the word
improved
body
Use synonyms
 fitness level. In
conclusion
Punctuation problem
conclusion,
show examples
 with
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 and unhealthy lifestyle
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 become less active.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that consistent and
gradually
Replace the word
gradual
 increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
body
Use synonyms
 activities can reverse
this
Linking Words
 trend.

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task response
Answer both questions more directly. Say clearly why people walk less, and say clearly what can help them walk more.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main ideas easier to follow. Use one clear idea in each part, then explain it.
task response
Some ideas are good, but they are not always fully clear. Add short and simple explanations after each main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, such as 'first', 'also', 'for example', and 'in conclusion'.
task response
Your example about Saudi Arabia helps, but it needs to be explained in a simpler and clearer way.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph flow. Some sentences feel long and hard to follow, so break them into shorter sentences.
task response
You answered both parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You used an example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The overall order of ideas is logical.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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