IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Health experts claim that walking is knowm to be beneficial to health. However, people are walking less on a daily bassis. what are the reasons for this? what can be done to encourage people to walk more again?

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Recently, the health consultants
give an
Wrong verb form
have given
show examples
 evidence that walking can improve
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
general well-being,
such
Linking Words
 as
improves
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 blood circulation and
protect
Wrong verb form
protecting
show examples
 the
body
Use synonyms
 against diseases.
However
Linking Words
, the level of activities reduced significantly comparing the previous decade. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain what
is the common risk factor
Correct word order
the common risk factor is
show examples
 and what
is the optimum plan
Correct word order
the optimum plan is
show examples
 to solve
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon. On the one hand, living in
technology
Correct article usage
the technology
show examples
 era
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 to offers convenience option of transportation services.
People
Use synonyms
 become fully independent on the automated car, motorbikes and other public transportation
method
Fix the agreement mistake
methods
show examples
, even in the near
destination
Fix the agreement mistake
destinations
show examples
. The modern transformation
lead
Wrong verb form
has led
show examples
 to
lower
Correct article usage
a lower
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
level of physical effort.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the rate of obesity related disorder raised in the community.
Moreover
Linking Words
, digital entertainment,
such
Linking Words
 as TV, video games and social media motivate individuals to sit for extended hours without minimal physical movement.
According to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent studies published by
American
Correct article usage
the American
show examples
 Heart Association proven that 80% of
people
Use synonyms
 who
is complying
Correct subject-verb agreement
comply
show examples
 with walking at least 30 minutes per day are
medical
Replace the word
medically
 free.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, support the
people
Use synonyms
 and facilitate the walking exercise by improving the
traditionally
Replace the word
traditional
 facility
consider as
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 a game changer. In other
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
, build a safe place to practice walking
like
Change preposition
, such as
show examples
 special pathways, parks, and long marathon side line allows community to go outside and move their
body
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 have an edge over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society to create
social
Correct article usage
a social
show examples
 campaign aims to target the all ages of
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 about the substantial
effect
Check wording
effects
show examples
 of walking
power
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, the
states
Correct subject-verb agreement
state
show examples
 of Saudi Arabia proposed
establish
Wrong verb form
establishing
show examples
 a walking club in the public area to promote
the citizen
Check wording
citizens
show examples
 to practice walking as groups with
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 target miles. After one month, the commission
find
Wrong verb form
found
show examples
 positive
outcome
Check wording
outcomes
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as lower
body
Use synonyms
 index, less stress and
improve the
Replace the word
improved
body
Use synonyms
 fitness level. In
conclusion
Punctuation problem
conclusion,
show examples
 with
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 and unhealthy lifestyle
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 become less active.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that consistent and
gradually
Replace the word
gradual
 increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
body
Use synonyms
 activities can reverse
this
Linking Words
 trend.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Say clearly why people walk less, and say clearly what can help them walk more.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main ideas easier to follow. Put one clear reason in each body part, then add one simple example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic lines at the start of each part. This helps the reader know your main point fast.
task response
Your ending is too short. Write a full ending that repeats both the problem and the best answers.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are not fully explained. Add one or two more lines to show how each idea leads to less walking or more walking.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphs, and this helps the essay look organized.
task response
You give examples like public paths and walking clubs. This supports your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening and an ending.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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