IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The table shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures in the years 2005 and 2006.

The table above illustrates the global
market
Use synonyms
 share of the
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
market
Use synonyms
 for companies in both
years
Use synonyms
 2005 and 2006. The
market
Use synonyms
shares
Use synonyms
 are measured in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, the table shows that Nokia has the highest
market
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
shares
Check wording
share
show examples
 in both
years
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
While
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
BenQ Mobile has the lowest
market
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
shares
Check wording
share
show examples
 in all
years
Use synonyms
.
Besides
Linking Words
, the total
market
Use synonyms
shares
Use synonyms
 are equal in
twice
Correct determiner usage
two
show examples
years
Use synonyms
. Nokia started the
year
Use synonyms
 2005 with
market
Use synonyms
shares
Use synonyms
 stricking 32.5 %.
While
Linking Words
 Motorola resumed the
year
Use synonyms
 with
shares
Use synonyms
 at 17.7 %
surpassing
Punctuation problem
, surpassing
show examples
 Samsung
exactly
Change preposition
by exactly
show examples
 in 5%
shares
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Sony Ericsson undertook the
year
Use synonyms
 with
shares
Use synonyms
 at 6.3
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 L.G overtook the
year
Use synonyms
 with higher rates at 6.7.
To sum up
Linking Words
, BenQ Mobile had the lowest
shares
Use synonyms
among
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the
year
Use synonyms
 of 2005
hitting
Punctuation problem
, hitting
show examples
shares
Use synonyms
 at 4.9.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
year
Use synonyms
 of 2006 had noticeable changes for most companies.
Begain
Correct your spelling
Beginning
 with Nokia
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 slightly rose to 35%
shares
Use synonyms
 .
As well as
Linking Words
 Motorola increased to 21.1%. On the
contary
Correct your spelling
contrary
, Samsung
eleminated
Correct your spelling
eliminated
shares
Use synonyms
 within 1%
Linking Words
also
Punctuation problem
, also
show examples
, L.G dropped to 6.3%
shares
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 BenQ Mobile fell to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half.
While
Linking Words
 Sony Ericsson elevated noticeabily at
shares
Use synonyms
hitting
Punctuation problem
, hitting
show examples
 7.4%.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words market, years, shares, year with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: