IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries more and more people are hiring a personal trainer rather than playing sports or doing exercise classes what are the reasons for this? is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays,many individuals are hiring a fitness
trainer
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of doing sports or going to
exercise
Use synonyms
 classes. The prime reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that every famous celebrity has a
trainer
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, it is a positive development because instructors encourage them
remain
Verb problem
to remain
show examples
 focused on their goals.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in many countries, people pay a personal
trainer
Use synonyms
 to help them get fit.
This
Linking Words
 is because many popular celebrities hire a
trainer
Use synonyms
 for their gym routine, and they teach them exercises which help build muscles and build an ideal body. Many people look up to these famous personalities and wish to look fit like them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they tend to go to an
exercise
Use synonyms
 instructor who
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 assist them with their fitness goals.
For example
Linking Words
, many gyms in Pakistan have photos of celebrities attached as a reference for their customers. I will argue that it is a positive development as a private
trainer
Use synonyms
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 people stay focused on their tasks. Many individuals who wish to lose weight
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 sometimes get distracted by junk food and skip their
exercise
Use synonyms
 classes.
However
Linking Words
, a personal
trainer
Use synonyms
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 them to eat
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet and keep
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
track of their everyday routine.
Moreover
Linking Words
, every individual has a unique body which has different needs. A fitness educator designs a
personalized
Change the spelling
personalised
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
 plan
according to
Linking Words
 the needs of every person.
For instance
Linking Words
, an obese person may perform exercises focusing on burning body fat
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 a skinny person would need to build muscles to look smart. To sum it up, individuals hire a personal
trainer
Use synonyms
 to look fit like a celebrity, and it is a positive development as
Use synonyms
trainer
Correct article usage
the trainer
show examples
 motivates them to stay
focus
Replace the word
focused
 on their goals.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and your view, but the first reason is too narrow.
task response
Add one more clear reason why people choose a trainer, such as personal plans or flexible time.
task response
Your examples are a bit general. Use a more direct and clear example.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer so each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like because, also, however, and therefore, but do not overuse them.
coherence and cohesion
Check reference words like this, they, and them so the reader always knows the meaning.
task response
You answer both questions and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are easy to follow in a logical order.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: